YACK on: Called Articles
Grant Sanders
Idon't know about you, but I truly love Annual Town Meeting. I look forward to it all year. I love Town Meetings so much that sometimes I dream up reasons to hold special Town

Meetings in the summer and I try to get my friends to sign a petition to hold one. Which rarely works. I bring my laptop and

iPhone to Town

Meeting in order to send text messages to all my friends commenting on people's hairstyles and sweaters. I buy myself nutritious snacks and bottles of water to keep myself sated and hydrated. I bring tins of Penguin Caffeinated Mints to keep myself alert. I bring an extra laptop battery, fully charged. I bring highlighters and pens and big, fat xylene-based art markers that smell bad and have a warning on the side to only use in a well ventilated area. And I tell all my clients, from coast to coast, that this is the one week each year I expect to sleep in my own bed and not in a hotel room. I don't care how much they're paying me. Nothing can keep me from ATM.

Hard as it is to believe, many people do not share my enthusiasm for Town Meeting. Some are grumpy about it and want it to be short. One night. Two at the most. But not me. I want it to go on and on, and to hoist a cold Whale's Tail Pale Ale after each long night to recap the voting with my wizened and highly specially interested political cronies.

This year, when the Town Meeting warrant booklet arrived in my mailbox (addressed to my wife, which is ironic as she has never been to a Town Meeting as far as I know) I was delighted to see its thickness and feel its sheer weight. This was going to be a great Annual Town meeting and judging from the sheer number of warrant articles, I predict it could go on for five full nights. Or at least I hope it will.

And it can, as long as the maximum number of warrant articles gets called. And many of them should. Here's my rundown of Town Meeting warrant articles that should be called and why.

The first article that needs to be called is number six. Just to find out why the town's information services and GIS budgets had a surplus of $32,000.00 and they didn't spend it on cool hardware, like iPhones for the HDC. I mean, come on people.

Next, article seven should be called so someone can complain that EMTs only make an extra $15 an hour. If some guy in a white uniform is going to come to my house while I'm clutching my chest and drawing my last breath, I want to be sure he is qualified and isn't just the only person they could get for the money. I'm more than willing for my taxes to go up to ensure we attract the best and brightest to apply the paddles to my chest and not some other part of my body, accidentally. Clear?

The next article that should be called is article 13. There's some real money to discuss here folks. Over 10 million for the airport. $31.7 million for sewers. And three quarters of a million for the landfill. Somebody has to call this sucker just so we can all observe a moment of silence for our relatively low property tax rates. Because, in a short timeframe, they will be low no more.

Then we should call article 16 to find out how the County Commissioners could possibly adopt its FY 2009 budget on January 23 during a meeting on the 24th as is clearly written a the top of page 18. .

Article 20 should be called just so we can all commend the FinCom for sending the airport's collective bargaining agreement back for more work. Somebody has to start kicking the airport in the butt with all of the stuff going on out there. Hey, airport. Settle with the Shaws, change the security level back to yellow and get some decent free coffee in the terminals. Please.

Next is the CPC funding article, which I simply cannot find a reason to call, but some old lady up in section Z who likely has 17 cats at home will grab the microphone and start going on and on about snowmaking machinery. That should be good for 20 minutes or more.

The next 30 articles are all zoning articles and as we all know Linda Williams will likely call them all and argue vociferously for or against them and the rest of the voters will vote the opposite of what Linda says. It happens every year. If Linda mentions how long she's lived on the island, everyone who is in the text-based chat room has to take a huge swig of water. It's one of the rules.

The best part about zoning articles is it gives us all a chance to hear Planning Director Andrew Vorce speak. His voice has an eerie, other-worldly quality to it. Very soothing. I plan to ask him to do a voice over for a TV commercial to sell long term disability insurance.

Article 49 has to be called so that everyone in the auditorium can hear why 32 Washington Street was left out of the Harbor Overlay District when all the other properties on Washington Street are in it. I may just call that one myself. I'll bring helmet.

Article 69 should be called and supported by everyone who has a well behaved dog and will be voted down angrily by everyone who has ever accidentally stepped in dog poo on the beach.

There are a bunch of sewer articles which will automatically be called by people who want to hook up to the sewers because it sure beats paying $27,000 every nine years for a new septic system. Although, if you do the math, Article 13 might just even the playing field on that subject.

Article 80 should be discussed. It involves making Andrew Vorce answer to Libby Gibson. I always do what Libby says, no matter what, so I think this is a good idea, as does Curtis Barnes. But the FinCom does not.

Up into the 80s and 90s there are home rule petitions that will need to be discussed, Changes in the Land Bank Act, which gets everyone murmuring, and a bunch of articles about land the town owns and land the town doesn't want to own any more. This will take us well into Thursday evening, I'm certain.

Articles 100 through 125 will be decided by me and nine other voters, half of whom will be asleep and I will walk around and raise their hands on hand count votes, trying not to wake them up in the process. Only then will the 10 of us entertain a motion to adjourn.

I. Just. Can't. Wait. For. Next. Monday.

YACK on. I

Grant Sanders is the Host of YACK, the Nantucket Online Community at www.yackon.com which is a bastion of free and spirited discourse or a roiling cesspool of vitriol, depending on who you like in the Selectman's race this year. His views are his own and do not necessarily reflect the editorial stance of The Nantucket Independent. Or his wife. Who might come to ATM Monday night. If there are snacks.