YACK on: Happiness
Grant Sanders

I've always wanted to write a survival guide to living on Nantucket. This is a tough island to find your place, and many people come and go, shaking their head at the emotional, psychological and actual cost of living

on an island of utter, stark contrasts.

I'm always surprised at how many miserable, pessimistic, generally unpleasant people

there are here. Yet

some people are happy on Nantucket, and I've taken note over the years with the future intent of writing a kind of Nantucket Island owner's manual. I guess that's what I've been doing with my Web site, YACKon.com. People post their experiences and we learn a little bit every day about how to live here. But more importantly, how to live here happily. Some day I plan to steal all of the ideas people post on YACKon.com, spend a few months compiling them and shaping them into nice, readable prose and then publish a book that will help more islanders be happy here.

Interestingly enough, I just finished reading an excellent book (or, rather, listening, as I have taken to listening to books on tape during my weekly 10-hour commute to and from work) by Daniel Gilbert who's official title is "Harvard College Professor of Psychology at Harvard University." The book is called "Stumbling on Happiness," and in this book one learns the various scientific explanations for happiness and unhappiness (but one does not learn how to be happy, strangely enough). This book is a bestseller and has likely made Professor Gilbert comfortable, financially, and judging from the picture of him on his blog, he does look rather happy.

Even more interestingly, making (or having) lots of money is one of the keys to being happy on Nantucket. This is true, albeit to a lesser degree, on the mainland, I'm sure. So perhaps one of the keys to being happy is to write a book that sells millions of copies. I'm willing to test that hypothesis, if you are willing to pay $28 for the hardcover version or $32 for the book on tape, which will be narrated by Selectman and bassist Michael Kopko. But until that time, you will have to settle for the free crib notes:

ASurvival Guide for Nantucket: How to be happy on an island of generally unhappy people. (Highly abridged version)

Chapter One: Make lots of money.

Most people I know agree that you have to make a minimum of $120,000 a year to survive on the island year-round if you have a home and a family. They say you can't buy happiness but here on Nantucket, happiness is bought and sold every day. I believe it's actually in aisle 11 at the Stop & Shop between the canned spray cheese and the 12-packs of diet Dr. Pepper.

Anyone who says you can't buy happiness is full of poo when it comes to this island. People leave here largely for one reason: money. It's the same reason many marriages end in divorce and the reason many people here work three jobs. You can't be happy if you're heating your home with wood picked illegally form a pile at the dump, and you will have a very hard time being sanguine when you have enough money to pay a mortgage and buy food here and watch your investment increase in value while homes all across the country are slipping.

Chapter Two: Get a dog.

Adog is the key to getting your butt off the sofa and outside in the wonderful natural world of Nantucket. Plus, he's always happy to see you and makes you feel like the most super cool dude in the world just for coming though the back door or for throwing a soggy tennis ball 37 feet. When this chapter is finished, it will contain all kinds of ideas for dogrelated activities. And a list of names that you should never name a dog. Including "Robert."

Chapter Three: Don't let the government get you down.

I used to let the local government here get me all riled up. My stomach would be in knots. I would be crunching Rolaids and downing shots of bourbon in the process. And then I started to view government not as a bunch of rank amateurs and beauty contest winners making mindless decisions that will likely reduce our quality of life, but rather as a highly entertaining cast of a morality play that bounces between the extremes of Greek tragedy and Shakespearean fantasy/comedy. It's better to view our government as a form of entertainment. This alone has added five years to my life expectancy. When completed, this chapter will feature a list of popular entertaining meetings as well as a companion web site that provides blow-by-blow coverage of all the fun.

Chapter Four: Get outside.

Even in March, which many refer to as Hate Month, Nantucket is gorgeous and unspoiled. Yesterday I found a trail on Land Bank land that was just recently cleared. What a joy to be out in the world and not back at home trying to heat my home with framing ends from the landfill. This chapter will have maps with trails and plenty of annotations and whole paragraphs stolen from my friend, Peter Brace's book.

Chapter Five: Get off.

Nothing will make you happier about living on Nantucket than seeing how those miserable mainlanders have to live. So go and see the rest of the world. You'll scurry back to the ferry landing in Hyannis with a huge grin on your face and a feeling of relief to be home. This chapter will someday contain a list of other places to go that will help you better appreciate Nantucket. Like the Vernon, Conn. Holiday Inn Express. Baltimore, Md. Tecate, Mexico. And certain parts of Routes 90, 95 and 3 in Massachusetts during rush hour.

Chapter Six: Do what you love.

This is a good rule for being happy anywhere, but it's especially true of Nantucket. If you can do what you love on Nantucket, then do so. If you can't then you will never be happy here. How many blissed-out bigrig long-haul truckers, cell biologists or artisenal cheese makers do you know on Nantucket? 'Nuff said.

Chapter Seven: Post daily on YACKon.com.

Okay, it won't always make you happy, but it will help me get more material for my future book. And that could vastly improve my net worth and happiness. You'll be happier knowing that I'm happier, won't you?

YACK on.

Grant Sanders is the Host of YACK, The Nantucket Online Community at yackon.com and he is always smiling. His views are his own and therefore do not reflect the editorial stance of The Nantucket Independent. Or his wife, who is also extremely happy.