PLANNING FOR BOREDOM
BY DANIEL W. DRAKE ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER
Town Meeting is two months away, almost exactly. If it is two months away, then why are we even thinking about it? Because last week's headline announced that there are 125 Articles in the Warrant, a record number.

Even Hawkeye took notice, as he swooped by me the other afternoon. (At the Super Bowl, they call it a fly-by; the only thing about this just past Super Bowl worth commenting on that hasn't already been blogged to death. The fact of five jet fighters flying in wing-tip formation over a stadium with its dome closed seems like even more overkill than most of the hoopla.) Anyway, during his fly-by, Hawkeye shrieked "You had better plan for a long, long, long week, that week of Town Meeting." Unfortunately, the red tail didn't hang around to share with me his views on how to deal with it.

I started thinking. How do I deal with the excruciating boredom imposed by sitting through what is frequently termed the purest form of democracy? Last year, it was easy. I had the flu so I was able, with good conscience, to avoid the whole scene. After all, it would never do to inflict my germs on 202 of my closest friends and neighbors. I will say that, after the fact, I took an extraordinary amount of heat for not attending town meeting, rather than receiving the sympathy I deserved.

I can't rely on such an excuse this year, so I have to come up with something else; either a plan for dealing with my personal ennui or, better still, a plot to foreshorten the town meeting process. Thinking about what do to keep myself occupied and sane, I realized that the puzzles in the back of this newspaper would be a great starting point. The crossword won't occupy me for too long even though it is relatively challenging. I haven't really gotten the hang of Sudoku though so that could easily take up an entire night. And the new puzzle, Kakuro, is something I haven't even looked at. It is probably good for all 37 zoning articles.

But are the puzzles enough? Knitting? Reading the "Economist?" Not likely!

I could finally break down and get myself an iPod. I could download "War and Peace" or listen to the "Great Songs of the '60s." I am afraid, though, that on the third run-through, I will fall asleep, again opening myself up to criticism.

Actually, sleeping isn't such a bad idea. A good dose of Tylenol Simply Sleep would tide me through both the proceedings and the criticism.

Another thought is to set up a card game in the back of the auditorium. The Moderator probably would not approve, but that is easily dealt with. I am confident that the assembled democrats would be delighted to overrule the Moderator's qualms.

Each of these methods of dealing with the Town Meeting blahs has a drawback. I would not be paying attention to what is going on. That is not fair and it is not democratic. Then it occurred to me: if it were possible to cut the meeting down from five or more nights to no more than, say, 50 minutes, that would be an accomplishment of magnitude.

During town meeting, there are three basic offenses which contribute to the fullness of time. One, simply, is people talking too much. Another is calling an article for discussion. The final and most egregious is submitting on the fly an amendment to the language of an article, either for the sake of changing the submitted language or to provide a positive motion in the face of Planning Board or Finance Committee disapproval of the article.

There are a couple of possible responses. One option is to tell anyone who engages in any of these practices that, upon leaving the building, they will be met by the sheriff and his posse bearing assault weapons. Whether, in fact, any mayhem is planned is irrelevant. The concept should be enough to scare most miscreants into silence.

Lest I be accused of being negative, a more positive approach would be to empower the Moderator to offer a cash "reward" to any person who has the floor in return for his or her immediate silence. The amount of the award, which would be in the Moderator's discretion, would depend on the importance of the matter under discussion and the number of times the person has previously spoken.

The only difficulty with the positive approach is that no money from the town coffers has been appropriated for the Moderator's "shut up" fund. However, I am sure that no one would have any trouble volunteering to pool our "stimulus" payments from Washington for this purpose. What better purpose could these funds have than turning five or more unproductive nights into useful time?

These are just some thoughts on how to deal with Town Meeting. These are not perfect, by any means, but, if we start working on the question now, we may come up with something really clever.

The goal is that the meeting, in its entirety, consist of the national anthem, the introductory stuff, the reading of the article numbers twice to be sure no one wants to be heard and, finally the vote on all the articles which were not called. Actually, finally, the drawing for Mrs. Stover's cake. Fifty minutes may not be quite enough time because of the number of articles, but allowing 90 minutes should be just about right. Even two nights would be OK.

Please put your thinking caps on. You have two months to come up with your own solution to the town meeting problem. Please be advised, however, that short of dire illness or the creek rising, non-attendance is not an option. Remember all 7683 (or whatever) registered voters need to be there to exercise their right to democracy. If you are not present and do not stay for the enitre time, each and every night, your name will, indeed, be

sent to the sheriff. I

Clarification: Last week's Lighthouse Keeper quoted a UNC-Chapel Hill business school professor as saying that there are no apartments in Duplin County, North Carolina, a factor in the difficulty of recruiting new teachers. A resident of Duplin County responded, citing the county statistic of 4,586 apartment units. The professor subsequently clarified his comment to have meant that the occupancy rate of the existing apartments is so high that, effectively, no apartments are available for incoming teachers. According to his numbers, there are currently four unoccupied apartments in the county.

The "Lighthouse Keeper" reflects the views of the author and does not necessarily represent the editorial position of The Nantucket Independent. Please send any ideas or comments to drake@nantucketindependent.com.