FANTASY ISLAND
When I was a kid, Saturday nights were a big deal: "Love Boat" and "Fantasy Island" were on TV, back-to-back. It was the highlight of my week, this (to my mind) late-night network double-feature. To be totally honest, I can't for the life of me tell you why, exactly, I got so excited about these two shows. I didn't really care about the goings-on on board some cruise ship populated by, as best I could tell, people that today would be sued for sexual harassment or medical malpractice or whatever else so fast it would make their collective heads spin. And the whole concept of an island where you can go - for a price, mind you - to live out your fantasy and have some major epiphanic dénouement at the end was lost on me.

For whatever reason, though, I watched both shows. Watched them religiously, in fact, every week. So it was quite traumatic when they were taken off the air. I felt like a part of me had been ripped out, leaving a gaping chasm in the center of my very soul. I was lost, drifting aimlessly through the third grade, no real purpose any more.

PHOTO BY JIL SANDOLE After Fantasy Island …. Fantasy Fishing?

Actually, it wasn't that big a deal, but it sounds so much better when you give it the little dramatic twist, don't you think? But I digress.

I really was a little lost on Saturday nights after "Love Boat" and "Fantasy Island" went to wherever it is that cancelled shows go. No more Washington mixing drinks and offering romance advice, no more Julie and Gopher directing people to the Promenade Deck. No more Mr. Roarke telling everyone to smile, no more Tattoo yelling about the plane. But most of all, no more cool cruise ships or sea planes heading to tropical islands with beautiful weather and exotic trees and flowers. All I was left with was a cold, snowy, windy landscape.

Kind of like the weather outside my window right now.

As I write this - yes, it's a wee-bit tardy, but better late than never, right Shep? - it's snowing outside, wind is gusting around, and it's basically pretty ugly out there, meteorologically-speaking. So it's kind of nice to think about heading somewhere warm, somewhere you can buy a piñata to bring home, somewhere with a little guy who rings a bell announcing your arrival, somewhere that you can fish…

The Segue Boat soon will be making another run. The Segue Boat promises something for everyone. Set a course to transition your mind on a new motion.

Friends and neighbors, it's rough out there right about now. I've heard a few reports from people about some successful pond fishing expeditions, but you've got to be pretty dedicated to get out there in the snow and the wind to catch a few white perch. Call me a fair-weather fisherman, but this weather is just not what I have in mind when I think of the perfect fishing weather. This reminds me more of what my grandfather once said about playing golf in temperatures over eighty degrees: "It's hot out there, Andrew," he'd say. "It's not fit for man nor beast." Same thing here, kids. Just substitute "cold" for "hot" and the sentiment applies.

So what's a guy like me to do? You know, the one you just got done calling a fair-weather fisherman? Well, when I was a kid, my mother usually had a few choice words for me when I was complaining about having nothing to do. And, as luck would have it, there are many things in this world that never change. Chief amongst these is my mother's never being at a loss for words or advice. So, we turn to Mom, who, in her status as "She Who Is Always Right," has come up with the following solution for yours truly.

They're calling this one "Fantasy Fishing."

Boss! The segue! The segue!

You can't make this stuff up, kids. For those of you stuck in your houses, wishing the snow would end, praying for an invitation to St. Barth's, here's your outlet. It's just like fantasy football, only with fishing. And for those of you unclear on the concept of fantasy football, let me clarify. In fantasy football, you draft a "team" of receivers, running backs and quarterbacks. You then choose who you want to "start" on a given week, and you compete against other "fantasy teams." After the weekend's games, you total up how many points your "team" accumulated based on performance statistics, and the one with the most points - not to mention words with quotation marks - wins.

Fantasy fishing works much the same way. You pick ten anglers who are fishing on the FLW Outdoors Bass Tour for a specific tournament.

Your ranking at the end of the week is based on

how those ten guys performed in that week's tournament. Aside from the horror arising from learning that there are such things as scouting reports and betting lines for bass fishing tournaments, I think this might be kind of a fun way to pass the time this winter. You can register at www.fantasyfishing. com, and you're on your way. The truly interesting thing about this whole deal is that the person who scores the best at the end of the whole thing wins a cool million. Not a bad day at the office, if I do say so myself. Plus my mother says I have to find something to do to keep me occupied.

So stay inside, get a nice fire going, and crank up the computer, kids. Fantasy fishing is this year's Halo 3.

Tight lines. I