YACK on: Sherrif
Grant Sanders
Well, its official. I'll be running for Sheriff in 2010. I'll be putting a Web site up at grantforsheriff. com in the coming months and I'll be having bumper stickers and buttons and lawn signs and banners to be towed behind low-flying aircraft made up very soon. I think I'll also commission a commemorative

plate by the Franklin Mint and have each one numbered and certified for authenticity. (Those should really help in my fundraising efforts.) I'm saying this now to save everyone else the trouble of running. No one could

possibly beat me and my massive

political machine fueled by PAC money, special interest donations and an entire staff of people schooled in the art of mud-slinging, dirty tricks and spinmeistering. Candidates: you just don't stand a chance. So don't bother. Save your money. Run for some other office. Take up beading. The office of Sheriff, for you, is simply not to be.

I know many people on Nantucket will have questions about my candidacy before they cast their two or three votes for me. So I've prepared a list of Frequently Asked Questions and carefully worded Answers for you. These will also appear on my Web site. And perhaps on the back of the commemorative plate. If there's room. Here they are:

Q. What made you decide to run for Sheriff?

A. I have to be completely honest. Which is uncharacteristic of me, I know, but here goes. While many people might say they seek an elected position like this because they want to serve the community or because they feel called to aid the greater good, or because they have specific training that makes them an ideal candidate for Sheriff, none of that is true for me. I'm in it for the salary. $120,000+ per year. Over a six-year term, when you add in insurance and pension contributions, under-the-table kick-backs and free meals from island businesses who fear retribution, that's well over three-quarters of a million dollars. Do you have any idea how many ads I would have to write to make that kind of coin? How many boring meetings I'd have to sit through? How many client posteriors I would need to pucker up to? This is a no brainer, man.

Q. You've refused to run for the Board of Selectmen and the Planning Board and every other elected board in town. Why Sheriff?

A. Well the problem with the BOS, the Planning Board and every other elected position (except Town Moderator and Clerk) is that it's a committee. And committees have painfully boring meetings and make compromises and take votes. But if I'm Sheriff, there are no meetings to fall asleep in. No compromises. No political back and forth. No us-versus-them. It's just one guy. Like a king. Or an emperor. Besides, BOS members don't get to wear a cool uniform nor do they get their own massive truck to drive. And they only get paid $287 a month. Yeah, like that's going to attract the best and the brightest to that job…

Q. What does a Sheriff do exactly?

A. Well nearly everywhere but Nantucket, a Sheriff runs a jail. But, as you probably know, the jail we have here is very old, has wrought iron bars on it, and the ACLU shut the thing down decades ago because of the woefully inadequate facilities for prisoners there. Heck, the thing is not even spelled correctly. G-A-O-L? I hope the person who came up with that spelling isn't entered in this weekend's Spelling Bee. Anyway, here on Nantucket, the Sheriff has four duties. He collects court-ordered child support. He serves papers. He helps transport prisoners. And he administers the deeds excise tax fund.

Q. Isn't Governor Patrick trying to turn several Sheriffs in Massachusetts into State employees, and re-direct the deeds excise funds for State use?

A. This is what I have heard as well, while YACKing on YACKon.com. I supported Governor Patrick in the last election and I think he's a really swell guy. I'm sure he only has the best interests of the people of the Commonwealth in mind when he started the ball rolling. The more cynical among us might say that Governor Patrick saw a huge pile of cash and wanted it to shore up State budget deficits. But I don't think that's really fair. I think he just doesn't like to see inefficiency. Having State funds and Nantucket's deeds excise tax millions in two separate bank accounts is inefficient. Pooling those two sums can help the State get a better interest rate on its savings account at the bank. And maybe a toaster.

Q. Won't Nantucket miss the money that the deeds excise fund represents?

A. Absolutely not. Previously that money has gone to buy assault weapons, motorcycles, a really fast boat, a pair of really bitchin' jet skis, a breathalyzer for the Vineyard and a furry costume for the fire department of a Dalmatian on steroids. Maybe the State will be able to allocate the money in a way that will pay for something the island actually needs. Who knows? It's possible! Don't be such a worry-wart. Besides, if the deeds excise money is taken out of the hands of the Sheriff, that's one less thing I have to worry about. It's not like they're going to reduce my salary or perks or free coffee allotment, right?

Q. How will the Sheriff's department be different under the Sanders Administration?

A. Good question. First off, with no deeds excise money, it's very likely the new justice complex at Two Fairgrounds Road will go down in flames. But that's okay. I've been working out of my kitchen and my car for the past 12 years and I don't see any reason to stop now. Plus I can get the county to buy me a new car and pay me rent for my kitchen so I can make extra money that way, too. I'll likely fire all the deputies and make my dog, Seven, my only employee. (His salary will go to me, of course, as I am his owner.) Seven and I will ride around in a huge, white Ford Expedition with a car-mounted MacBook Air, checking the banter on yackon.com, eating free donuts and collecting "honoraria" from special interests. That pretty much sums up a typical day in my life as an elected official. I can't think of anything better, can you?

That's just about all you need to know about my run for Sheriff. I know I can count on your vote(s).

YACK on. I

Grant Sanders is the Host of YACK, The Nantucket Online community at www.yackon.com and will be handing out buttons and commemorative plates outside the Stop and Shop starting in March. His views are his own and therefore do not necessarily reflect the editorial stance of The Nantucket Independent. Or his wife.