UNFAIR ADVANTAGES
The Mitchell Report - the report compiled by Senator George Mitchell on the extent of steroid use in professional baseball - has been quite the hot-button issue recently. For those of you who haven't been paying attention, I'll fill you in. Baseball players have been inflating themselves in the off-season like helium balloons, claiming that they've discovered flaxseed oil or headstands or Kabbalah as the latest and greatest way of building muscle mass. Turns out they were actually turning to the tried-and-true method of injecting themselves with stuff to make them bigger.

So, in other words, all those great stats from all those great players are pretty much stolen. Yeah, I said it. All these records that are getting broken are as good as stolen merchandise. But friends, Nantucketers, islandmen, I come not to editorialize baseball. This report has gotten more press coverage than the Warren Commission, so I'm not going to spill a whole lot of ink discussing it. I just want to use it as a way to make a larger point.

You see, my feeling is that if you're going to accept these mammoth paychecks for doing your job, then you should be good at it. And by "good," I don't mean "chemically enhanced," I mean naturally good. Case in point, you don't see me injecting brain cells from some kid at Harvard so that I can write a better fishing column. This is all me, kids, pure and unadulterated. And I'm kind of thinking that Barry Bonds ought to be playing as himself, too. After all, that's what he's getting paid to do, right?

When it comes to baseball, Andrew wants to know, who's sticking it to whom?

So then the argument comes up that these guys have to keep pace with the younger kids coming up behind them who are threatening to supplant them as the heroes of the diamond. Roger Clemens - who, incidentally, is the poster child for how a change of uniform can change your opinion - has broken my own heart. The guy had his number retired at my alma mater, then he pitched his way into and then out of the hearts of Red Sox fans everywhere and ended up with the Yankees. All that time, I thought he was still a pretty damn good pitcher. Yeah, he was kind of old, and yeah, he was getting a little soft in the middle. But he could still throw a mean fastball.

Then the Mitchell Report points out that he was doping. That's his secret to longevity in the big leagues. Keep the kids at bay by taking illegal steroids. Then go on television and sell phone service. But here's the reality. You choose the career path of professional athlete, you kind of run that risk of hitting your peak in your early twenties and being over the hill by the time you're thirty. So you make your money while you can, then retire. That's what's called life.

Except when you're playing baseball, apparently, because in that little world, you can inject stuff to keep you going well past your prime. And don't worry about those pesky little laws prohibiting it. Your union has got some kind of stranglehold on the organization you work for, and by the time they finally catch you, you'll already be enshrined in record books and the Hall of Fame. What could possibly go wrong? I mean, just ask Pete Rose, right? But I digress.

As I said, I'm not here to editorialize baseball, despite the fact that I've done just that up to this point. In reality, what I really want to do here is to discuss a sport that is, unlike baseball, free from steroid use. One of those sports where it's just you and your abilities that separate victory from defeat. You know it, kids. I'm here to talk about fishing.

I'm not here to talk about steroid use in baseball. I'm not here to talk about the past. I'm here to talk about the future. Oh, and to point out the above segue, too.

Friends and neighbors, my dear, sweet mother, whom I affectionately refer to as my part-time Research Assistant, recently sent me the Web address for what can only be called the fishing equivalent of steroids. This thing is called a Laser Lure, and can be found at www.laserlure.com. The concept here is that you get the lure wet, it flashes a red laser under the water. The laser is supposed to trigger fish to strike because it somehow triggers a hunting instinct in fish. All for the low, low price of $15.99. Per lure. Seriously.

According to the lure's publicist, not only will using the Laser Lure help you catch more fish, it will also win you "Dad of the Year" honors AND secure you a first-place finish in your local fishing tournaments. And as if those kudos aren't enough to sell this thing, it has the added attraction of being illegal - who knew lasers were actually banned from most aquariums?

When you get right down to the nitty and the gritty here, kids, this thing is a gimmick. As my father says, a lot of fishing tackle is designed to catch anglers more than fish. This is one such item. I don't know if a flashing light will help you catch more fish anymore than injecting human growth hormone will help your casting distance. Regardless, though, both ideas rank about equal on the scale of what you should be doing.

So get out there and fish, but do it with some degree of pride left intact. Leave the lasers to guys lecturing in front of projection screens, and leave the sixteen-dollar flashing lures on the rack. Unless, of course, you're looking for last-minute Christmas decorations.

Tight lines. I