YACK on: Questions
Grant Sanders
Last week, during the Board of Selectmen's meeting after a very long series of items on the agenda, one of which included a speech by a man with a thick French accent who I could not understand

at all, the BOS took up the idea of growth management. Chairman Whitey Willauer fired up his trusty copy of PowerPoint and rattled off a list of questions that needed to be answered in order to develop a strategic policy on island growth. The list was so dense that it made everyone's eyes glaze over. And it was late. People were tired and a bit cranky.

The next morning, I took a look at the list and I began to realize that if each one of these questions was to be discussed in a meeting that we would never, ever get through them, and a strategic growth policy could never be written. So I figured I would do my part to help the Board by answering these questions so that the community can actually get on with managing growth. Here are the answers.

How best to develop a Strategic Growth Policy? The best way is to exclude anyone on the island who benefits from growth from attending. The meetings would be shorter and only a handful of people would have to attend.

How to best communicate with the Feds, State, & Cape? Use small words and simple, declarative sentences.

Should Planning Dep't Employees report to the Town Manager? I think everyone should report to the Town Manager. I wish I could. As far as I'm concerned, Libby should be running everything. With an iron fist. Perhaps we can change the charter to give Libby unlimited powers as Empress of Nantucket?

Should Airport employees report to the Town Manager? Yes, especially the TSA people. They yelled at me one for parking my car in the wrong spot and I think Libby could whip them into shape.

Should HDC, Planning Board, SHAB be appointed, elected or a hybrid? Hmm. Ahybrid board? What kind of mileage do they get? Would the meetings be shorter? If so, I'm for it.

How best to improve the span & control of the Town Manager? Unlike some of us, Libby does not have much span. How does she stay so fit?

Should Board of Health be separate from Board of Selectmen? Yes. Some of the Selectmen, in fact, have cooties.

Should TON employees serve on elected or appointed boards? Absolutely not. Then you get into the problem of being your boss' boss, which is kind of like the relationship I have with my wife and I can tell you it gets kind of complicated.

How to promote long term financial stability of town operations? Give town employees bonuses equal to one tenth of the money they save the town budget every year and watch the pork fat melt.

How can we improve the Town's Bond Rating to "AAA"? I would say recovering the top-secret Moonraker module from Blowfeld without being cut in half by a laser would be a good start.

What alternative revenue sources can be developed? I think I mentioned the cheese factory in a recent column. Let's start there.

What should be the TON financing strategy? Never lend any money to my brother, Mitchell.

How can the TON reduce its health insurance costs? Mandatory weekly Iron Man marathons. Healthy people spend less on healthcare.

Should Town of Nantucket consider one large override? Should the Town of Nantucket imagine the sound of the electorate laughing in its face?

Should Town of Nantucket assume an annual override? Um… Isn't that the current plan?

How best to develop the annual TON budget? A calculator can be a big help.

Do we want to institute GASB 45 (post employment benefits) funding? I'm still trying to get through GASB 43. I'll answer this one in a few weeks.

Do we want to institute Performance Based Budgeting? I think it might be better to introduce Performance Based Spending first.

How best to support a stable economy? Ha! A stable economy needs no support. Gotcha!

What alternative energy sources should we develop? I have boxes and boxes of flammable hair care product from the 80s, as does everyone on the island, I'm sure. They could be burned and produce electricity for approximately 20 years.

What energy conservation efforts should be supported? Outlaw air conditioning and make our pampered population crack a window for one week a year. That should save a few thousand kilowatt hours.

Should we revitalize the core district? You mean, like, with decorations? A piñata? I think a guy walking around with a whale costume would be nice, too.

Do we have a traffic and/or a parking problem? Only three months a year and only if you don't know where to drive and how to park. In essence, no, we do not.

Do we want an in-town Parking Garage? The off-season skateboarders are looking for a structure with metal rails and concrete inclines that is empty and unused nine months out of the year. Let's build it for them.

Is the NRTA Schedule optimum? I think we ought to equip the busses with rocket packs so they can make their routes in five minutes tops.

Should we encourage land based wind turbines? They don't need encouragement. They are machines. Unlike houseplants, they will work even if you don't talk nicely to them.

Should we encourage water based wind turbines south of Tuckernuck? These don't need encouragement either. They require massive piles of money due to the location in deep water. I think this idea was scrapped, anyway.

Should we pave roads in the Country District? Not unless you want to replace the town bulldozer's blades when it attempts to move me out of the way.

Do we want to have a Madaket Waste Water Treatment Plant? Have you tasted the water in Madaket lately?

What should Coastal Management Plan look like? I favor a maroon cover with large gold leaf letters.

Should we ban the use of certain fertilizers? Yes. Bat guano. It's nasty stuff. And it encourages the bats.

Do we want a Bulk Fuel facility at the Airport? Yeah. Another thing for small planes piloted by inexperienced billionaire trainees to fly into.

Should parts of the harbor be dredged? Yes. The cruise ships are all lining up at the mouth of the Jetties to get in.

Where should a 2nd boat ramp be built? Um… Last time I checked, we had three boat ramps. Shouldn't we save our money? Nantucket is not water dependent after all.

How best to integrate estuaries plan into planning? Last time I checked the Planning department was about two years overdue in delivering the Master Plan. Good luck with the estuaries plan.

What are the priorities for storm water management? Don't let your dog drink it.

What are the priorities for wastewater management? Really don't let your dog drink it.

What are the priorities for solid waste management? Don't let your dog roll in it.

Do we want a heath clinic on the Island? Yes. Nantucket always needs another place to go to complain about things.

Do we want a PEG channel? I think a whole channel dedicated to one Steely Dan song is a little excessive.

Should we reduce the deer population? Yes, but getting the deer to wear those little condoms has proven difficult.

Should we let the shore erode? Do we have much say in the matter?

How much should be spent on Human Services? How much does it cost?

How much land should be under conservation? All of it.

How best to support cultural arts?Well-made shoes are always a good idea.

What is the housing problem on Nantucket? Some of our houses are truly ugly and need to be torn down. Unfortunately, most of them were built in the past 10 years.

Do we have an affordable housing problem? Um, hello? This is Nantucket. We have an affordable everything problem.

Do we want to have rental regulations? If not, what has Richard Ray been working hard creating all this time?

Do we want to expand 40B projects? Projects we can't control that require expensive services and infrastructure that is paid for by the tax base? No, I think we've had enough of those.

What is meant by managing growth? This is a trick question. When most people talk about managing growth, they mean slowing it down. But too many politicians have concluded that we want growth managed by accommodating it instead. Keep in mind, BOS, we are not farmers. Growth is not a good thing.

What are the primary sources of revenue on Nantucket? T-shirts. Then oversized oil paintings.

What are the primary sources of work on the Island? I hear this newspaper is looking for another ad sales person.

How do we obtain accurate population count? Satellite thermal imaging. Count the warm bodies. Subtract for the number with antlers.

There. Now we can get on with managing growth. Only 20 years late.

YACK on. I