THE MATHEMATICS OF GIVING
So it's the Christmas season, which means that it's also time for buying gifts, which always makes me think of the old saying that it's better to give than to receive. There's something about that saying that's always bothered me, which might come as a surprise to many of you out there, given my naturally generous nature.

Consider the mathematics of that saying. It's better to give than to receive. Pretty basic on the surface, I realize, but let's dig a little deeper. According to this statement, if you give something to someone, you're better than they are, because you're giving while they're receiving. Now, if you consider the fact that you're giving something to someone you presumably like, you're actually doing them a disservice by giving them something, because you're actually elevating yourself above the recipient to whom you've chosen to give a gift.

So when you spend a little time thinking about it like I've been doing the last several days, you discover that the best recipient of a gift is actually a person you don't like, whereas you should withhold gifts from those you do like. Again, going back to my point about the equation of the gift-giving process, if you give to a person you already don't like and whom you presume to be already below you, you're further elevating yourself above them. And you're probably also getting some kind of good karma out of the deal, too. See how that whole math thing comes into play here?

If it's wrapped up nice and neatly, watch out, Andrew says.

Now, you might be wondering to yourself where ol' Uncle Andrew is headed with this little line of thinking. Well, let me light the way for you, ye weary travelers on the dark road of not-knowing-what- Andrew-is-thinking.

You see, kids, some people out there have come to the conclusion that they're better than yours truly. It surprises me just as much as you all, but it's true. These people have actually come out and told me they don't think so highly of me. Of course, when pressed for some kind of supporting evidence, they hem and haw and cough, and end up finally talking about things like steady jobs and income levels that put them above the poverty line and health insurance and stupid little things like that.

Flimsy and weak arguments at best, of course, but I let these poor souls live their little lives of delusion. Little do they know that I've sprung the ultimate Christmas trap for them by playing along with their little game. You see, kids, because these people think that I'm below them, I'm thinking they're on the hook for a gift for yours truly. After all, nothing says, "Hey, I'm above you, and just to rub salt in the open wound, I'm going to give you a gift because it's better to give than to receive, so you lose extra," like giving me stuff. Lots of stuff, at that.

For those interested in playing along, I'll be posting my list in the office of The Nantucket Independent, and perhaps on the bulletin board outside the Hub. Coverage is important here. And I'd appreciate it if those of you who are planning on participating would mark off your choice of gift so as to prevent that pesky issue of repeats. Thanks for that.

And for those of you not inclined to beat me down a little further but who still want to participate in the whole giving-is-better thing, consider giving a donation to a worthy organization. Santa knows there's plenty of fishing-related groups that could use the money.

Deck the halls with boughs of segues, fa-la-la-lala la-la-la-la.

Friends and neighbors, my good friend Chad Whitlock - he of fifth place finish fame - is headed down to Louisiana soon to go do some fishing for the elusive redfish. That, in and of itself, is not that big a thing, except that Chad gets to go fishing in warm weather. Bully for Chad. His good fortune aside, the redfish is a species that has a history much like our own locally famous striped bass. During the blackening craze of the '70s and '80s, when every chef worth his salt was blackening anything that stood still long enough to be blackened, redfish were the victims of severe over-fishing. And while blackened redfish is really good, it's not worth destroying the population.

So along comes a little group called the Gulf Coast Conservation Association, or GCCA for short. Formed in 1977, the group spearheaded a conservation program aimed at preserving the redfish population, much like the conservation efforts that saved the striped bass in the '80s and '90s. As a result of its success in Texas, the GCCA has become just the CCA, as it's moved from beyond the Texas Gulf Coast and now includes chapters nationwide. If you're so inclined, check out their Web site at www.joincca.org. Alternatively, there are plenty of other nonprofits related to fishing that will be more than happy to accept their position as lowlier than you in exchange for your gift. And you'll know that you're helping to make a difference in the angling world. So go ahead and make yourself feel superior. Give 'em a gift.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get to work on this list. The number of people out there that seem to believe they're above me is actually kind of long, so I need to make sure there are enough potential gift purchases to go around.

Tight lines. I