YACK on: Philanthropic Lone Rangers
Grant Sanders
Ignoring my brilliant advice from last week's column to just let wealthy summer residents pay for all of the town's expenses, the town's administration and the Board of Selectmen met this week to discuss new revenue sources. Well two of the selectmen met. One was in England and the other two were no-shows. Still, from what I can glean from Online news sources and the chatter on YACKon.com, there were a number of viable ideas discussed by Chairman Willauer, Selectman Kopko, Town Manager Libby Gibson and Town Clerk, Catherine Flanagan Stover aimed at raising money so that we don't need to raise taxes all that much. It probably does not matter that no one else attended. The above-mentioned four people are the ones who get nearly everything done in our town government, anyway. In my humble opinion. (Libby Gibson makes time on Saturdays to help pick up trash with the Clean Team, as if she has not already given enough of her time and talents to the town. Good on ya, Libby!)

One of the ideas discussed was to look into a new town cemetery. From what our able Town Clerk said, it looks like the town could convert 20 acres of land into 20,000 graves and sell each plot of 2 to 8 graves for something like $4,000 each. This, my friends is likely the best deal in real estate on Nantucket. By my calculations, this Nantucket land deal could net the town close to $20 million, if it uses land it already owns. More if we charge off-island people a premium price to make Nantucket their final resting place. And even more if we build a crematorium.

When I die, I'd like to be cremated because, like the Quakers before us, I feel that death is not nearly as important as what we do in life and I'd hate to think that I would take up any more space after I'm gone than is necessary. I've instructed my family to have me cremated and then to have my ashes placed in suspension inside a Magic 8-Ball® so that they can still consult me on important family questions. Any time they're wondering what to do, they can walk over to the mantle and pick me up.

"Dad, should we sell the house and move to Delaware?"

Shake, shake, shake.

"Better not tell you now…"

Another thing the four hardest working people in town government looked at this week was the idea of increasing the cost of licenses and permits. Personally, I feel we ought to price building permits, for anyone who is building a home they don't plan to live in, in the $250,000 range. Anyone who is building a home for themselves or a family member would pay the regular price. We build close to 200 homes a year on Nantucket. If 50 of those homes are builderoccupied that means 150 are built to flip, most for more than $2.5 million. So charging them $250,000 for a permit would only be around ten percent of the sale price and the town could raise over $37 million a year. Holy untapped cash cow, Batman!

Liquor licenses were also scrutinized. From what I understand, a liquor license on Nantucket costs only around $2,700 per establishment. In places like Key West a license to serve intoxicating beverages is closer to $500,000. I'm not saying I'd like to see Nantucket turn into a downtown drinkfest like Key West, but I am saying that it appears that there is some untapped revenue there and the price of said license could increase to something like $10,000. (I will be happy to help the local establishments make up the difference through my continued patronage. Hic!) When you divide $10,000 by a $5 Whales Tail Pale Ale, it appears that a restaurant can cover their license fee by selling just 2,000 drinks. That's likely one moderately good weekend at one of our local watering holes. Not counting gratuities.

The last thing our fearless four looked at was a new tax on rooms being rented seasonally to visitors. Currently the inns and hotels here pay a room occupancy tax that helps defer the costs of services for people who visit our fine island. But people who rent private homes by the week or month pay no such tax. Seems only fair that these folks should also pay the room occupancy tax seeing as they also use the dump and the sewer lines and the streets. And they sometimes call the police and fire fighters to help them out. Perhaps we could also get these folks to pay reparations for the lost time we have suffered waiting in line at the Stop and Shop or driving around looking for a parking space, because they are on island. Is that too much to ask?

After all, the government must run and projects like the sewers and the new public safety complex must get paid for. And as long as I don't end up paying, well, I'll be happy as a clam at high tide.

YACK on. I

Grant Sanders is the Host of YACK, The Nantucket Online Community at yackon.com, and he's scared to open his most recent tax bill. His views are his alone, but he hopes that others will adopt them as well. Still they do not necessarily reflect the editorial stance of The Nantucket Independent. Or his wife.