YACK on: Bad PR
Grant Sanders
You know Nantucket is having a bad PR day when there are, not one, but two reports of altercations in which someone pulls out a gun and starts threatening people with it. It's kind of like the gauzy, magical wonder of the island has been ripped away and anyone who picks up this newspaper can see - Nantucket has some realworld mainland problems. Sure, many of us cringe when we read reports in off-island newspapers about Nantucket being nothing but an exclusive "playground of the rich." (If three more offisland publications use the term "playground of the rich" I win the pool and a new car!) But what really causes us to pull our hair out are the reports that our idyllic little community has problems with violence and drugs. Because for us yearrounders, Nantucket isn't just a great place to unwind for two weeks in August, it's home.

Still, I'm relatively certain that the Chamber of Commerce is having a cow right now. Gun waving in any town except Carson City is considered bad for business in tourist circles. The only thing worse would be if the State Department issued a travel warning for Nantucket on www.travel.state.gov.

Of course, Nantucket will survive this dark period in its history. It has before. Mostly by keeping things quiet and off the tourist radar screen. In the interest of full disclosure, here are a number of other bad PR episodes that the island has kept quiet in order to maintain its status as a premier tourist destination.

Very few people on the mainland are aware that every eight years the black pine grub emerges from its octo-ennial dormant state to feed on human blood. These tennis-ball sized creatures move with surprising agility. Tourists are basically unaware of them until they end up in the emergency room, but Nantucket school children are taught to carry a tennis racket or a scallop rake everywhere they go on the eighth year of the cycle to ward them off.

Between 1956 and 1962 the Hidden Forest was not, in fact, hidden, but missing. This was a terrible embarrassment for the town, as one can imagine, as no one actually had noticed. In 1962 the Town Clerk found the hidden forest in an unmarked carton in the attic of the town building and had it quietly put back.

It's common knowledge that the town's water supply is of extremely high quality. But what has not gotten out into the press thanks to the Chamber of Commerce is that the well water on Dennis Drive in the mid-island has restorative properties and brings extraordinary long life and good heath to all who drink it. The town truly does not want this to get out as it might cause a sudden influx of tourists to the small cul-de-sac and could drive property values for this quiet, year-round street above those of Shimmo, Dionis and Hulbert Avenue.

Some of the trees on the island randomly explode for no apparent reason. Scientists believe it has something to do with the rabid swelling of wood due to humid salt air. This explains why there are very few old-growth hardwoods left on the island.

One fact that the Chamber of Commerce definitely does not want the general public to know about is that the town has, on its payroll, a professional vampire slayer, per an old and obscure local ordinance dating back to the 1840s. One can see evidence of this fact in the town's annual report where there is a line item for "other professional services, supernatural." The slayer is paid in silver, as is the custom with this age old profession. Interestingly, there has not been a vampire reported on the island in 60 years, but having the vampire slayer on staff has proven helpful as he has managed to scare off at least one former selectman.

Another local ordinance that the Chamber would like to keep quiet is the law that prohibits anyone who is not native-born from parking in the old historic district in the summertime. This ordinance is generally not enforced by our local police department. Perhaps the fact that Police Chief Pittman is from Springfield, Illinois has something to do with it.

Most tourists are aware that commercial whaling has been outlawed by the U.S. since an international treaty was signed in 1956. But most are not aware that this ban does not apply to Nantucket. Nantucket still has a commercial whaling season that coincides with the scallop season. Family whaling season begins one month earlier. (You can check this fact by going to the marine department to purchase an annual shell fishing license. It states that one is entitled to "two half bushels of scallops per week, or…" - it says, printed in really tiny type - "…three whales.")

Finally, the biggest secret that the Chamber of Commerce does not want to get out to the public: in the early 50s a space ship crash-landed in Tom Nevers and part of the island was turned into a secret military base known as Area 52. The Chamber keeps this a secret, according to one source, because, "the last thing we need on Nantucket is a bunch of freaks coming here."

YACK on. I

Grant Sanders is the host of YACK, The Nantucket Online Community at yackon.com and he lives on Dennis Drive and is reportedly 209 years old. His views are his own and do not necessarily reflect the editorial stance of The Nantucket Independent. Or his wife.