YACK on: Local Facts
Grant Sanders
Summer people, pay attention. Whether you are a seasonal resident who has been coming to Nantucket for a long, long time, or a newcomer who has only been coming here for the past few years, it's likely that you have wondered about the year round population of Nantucket and what we do during the nine or ten months that you're not here. "After all," you ponder, "it must take a very different kind of person to actually want to live on an island 26 miles at sea with no highways, no Starbucks, no multiplex movie houses, no Audi dealerships and no place where one can buy a set of guitar strings."

Grant Sanders is the host of YACK, The Nantucket Online Community at www.yackon.com and he has lived on Nantucket for nearly 13 years, which means he has proudly achieved the same social status as a Labrador retriever. His views are his own and do not necessarily reflect the editorial stance of The Nantucket Independent. Or his wife, who is a native.

And you would be correct to ponder that. Here are a few interesting true facts about the indigenous population of this island that you might not have known. 1. For the most part, greater than 90% of the year-round population is related to one another. Essentially, we are all cousins. You can tell this by noting that any islander who has been here for more than one generation has teeny, tiny ears with attached earlobes. This is a recessive genetic trait highly prevalent to Nantucketers. Kind of like the Hapsburg lip, only less disgusting to look at when one eats soup. 2. When summer residents are not here to be waited upon, most islanders do nothing but sit around reading back issues of Men's Health Magazine. 3. Also, when summer people not here, we let ourselves into their homes to watch Patriots games on their wide-screen plasma HD televisions. In the springtime, we employ an army of cleaners in hazmat suits who are specially trained to remove any trace that we were actually there. Except for one cryptic clue: a single mouse in the toilet bowl. 3. That little traffic rotary at Sparks Avenue that came about while you were away for the winter was actually an elaborate prank that some of our high school students pulled off one late night when they were bored. Boy, were we all surprised when we got up the next morning. 4. In the Winter, our community school offers several vital courses such as "How to keep a straight face when really wealthy people talk in an affected accent." "Brown-nosing 301." And 17 different courses on beading. 5. When it gets really cold on the island in the winter, we burn feral cats to keep warm. This has been a local tradition since the whaling days. 6. Speaking of the whaling era, did you know that it is illegal on Nantucket for locals to go anywhere in the off-season without a harpoon? It's true. The local police are authorized to stop any adult on the island and do a spot "harpoon check" at any time (The same is true for our zoning enforcement officer, who also holds the largely honorary title of "Harpoon Goalie"). In the summertime, many of the harpoons are put away, as they are difficult to conceal in beach attire and can sometimes scare the tourists. Residents who don't wish to carry the large, wood and metal pointed objects must purchase an annual permit to not carry a harpoon at police headquarters. 7. Every member of the Board of Selectmen since 1882 have also held the title of county commissioner, sewer commissioner, police commissioner and licensed shiatsu practitioner. 8. Year-round residents get an annual "residential exemption" on their property taxes equal to over $200,000. Or they can opt to go to town hall and let a massive wheel of fortune determine their exemption amount at random. 9. On one (secret) day each year, it is perfectly legal for residents to drag a Hummer owner from their car and light the vehicle on fire. 10. Annual town meeting normally takes three nights. One night is dedicated exclusively to coming up with painfully bad names for new housing developments. The person who comes up with worst name, as decided by majority voice vote, wins a chocolate cake baked personally by the Town Clerk. 11. Each year, the Nantucket High School senior who is most adept at singing whaling songs gets a full scholarship to Julliard, paid for jointly by the Town of Nantucket and the Nantucket Historical Association. 12. Members of the Wharf Rat Club, the Pacific Club and the Nantucket Gardening Club meet in the month of February for three days of elaborate snowball fights which begin with a half-day of fort building and culminates in the ritual pummeling of the town crier just after he declares the snowball fight winner. 13. Each year on New Years Eve, one Washashore - a recent transplant to the island - is chosen to be publicly sacrificed to the Aztec god, Huitzilopochtli. It is considered quite an honor. 14. Upon turning nine years old, all Nantucket boys are set adrift in a dory and are not allowed to return to the tribe until they have captured and killed a wild scallop. The boy will wear the shell of the vanquished bi-valve around his neck on a string until his 18th birthday. 15. Each man, woman and child who lives on Nantucket eats his or her weight in piping plover every year. This explains why they are often listed as an endangered species. 16. One condition of citizenship on Nantucket: Men between the ages of 16 and 45 must agree to 60 hours of community service each year digging the secret tunnel to the Vineyard so that we can steal their womenfolk and beer. So far, we've only managed to plunder all of Muskeget's womenfolk and beer. 17. Native islanders are widely considered superior to those who were born somewhere else. So are Labrador retrievers, horseshoe crabs and the scum that covers many of the local kettle ponds. 18. Some of the various ways we pass the time during the long tedious winters: deer naming, long naps, scratching our initials in tables at the Brotherhood, and scavenger hunts where valuable jewels and other items are hidden under random cobblestones by children. But our most cherished pastime of the winter is when the winner of the Junior Miss pageant pulls the address of a waterfront home out of a hat and we all get together as a town and, in a single, orchestrated movement, shove the whole property off of its foundation and into the ocean - our own version of cow tipping. Ah ...Good times.

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