YACK on: No Dogs
Grant Sanders
My dog was born on the beach. Under an overturned skiff. If he could, he would spend every waking hour by or in the water. He loves to roll in the sand and jump in the waves. He will retrieve floating object well off shore. He will jump in and swim with me in heavy surf or flat calm. He will fetch a toy - often a rope strung through three tennis balls, or a large glow-inthe dark rubber ball - thrown along the shoreline until my hands are raw and my shoulder aches. And the next day, he will poop pure sand having swallowed shovelsful in his ardent pursuit of the retriever's art.

He is, simply put, a beach dog.

So when I first heard the news that my dog would no longer be welcome on the beach, I was a bit taken aback. I mean, if he can't be on the beach, then I can't be on the beach. I would never think of going without him. When I pack for a trip to my favorite swath of sand, I always pack a towel, a bottle of water for me, and one for him, an umbrella and something to throw. That's just the way it is with us.

Now I understand that the Parks and Recreation Commission's request to leave the dog at home does not have the force of law behind it. It's merely a request. So, needless to say, we will be practicing our own form of civil disobedience this summer by ignoring the posted signs completely.

Telling this dog he can't come to the beach is a form of animal cruelty

But, I will admit, the voluntary ban does have some validity. Animal feces on the beach is gross and unhealthy. And keeping dogs off the beach will likely reduce the amount of doo-doo that is there. But the problem with this logic, if you can call it that, is twofold.

First, dogs are not the only animals that eliminate waste at the beach. Millions of seagulls poop there every day. Not to mention geese. Terns. And piping plovers. Seals, deer, and other animals defecate there as well. And my guess is that if you've ever swam in the ocean, you've made your way through waters that fish and other sea life has pooped in.

Humans (gasp), too, use the beach as their own personal toilet all the time, but we try not to think about it. Nearly every single person at the beach has gotten up from a beach towel and announced to their companions that they plan to "take a dip," when their real reason for getting wet was to make the water a little warmer. And if you frequent the same beach week after week, you soon learn which dune is the one where walking is most hazardous because it has been used by children and adults for their own personal and private relief.

The second reason the Park and Rec's request to leave dogs at home is a bad idea is that that dogs themselves are not the problem. It's the painfully stupid dog owners. Hard to believe, but there are some among us who bring their dog to the beach and let them poop anywhere without cleaning up after them. That's the real problem. Inconsiderate boobs who refuse to take responsibility for their dog's actions. Personally, I have no problem with scooping up my dog's waste products and disposing them where they will not harm or offend a soul. But some people are not that thoughtful.

Perhaps these dog owners do not pick up after their dog because they feel it is too difficult. Maybe they want to clean up after their pooch, but forgot the little plastic bags at home, or left their hazmat suit in the car. As a public service to those who are not familiar with the many ways there are to dispose of fecal matter, I offer the following tips and techniques. Clip the following section out with scissors and keep a copy in your beach bag for quick reference

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HOW TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR DOG A HANDY GUIDE BY GRANT SANDERS

All dogs poop. And if your dog is at the beach, chances are he or she will poop there sooner or later. This is nothing to be ashamed of. And it is nothing to be ignored. It is a simple and easy matter to clean up after your pet if you know these simple, clean techniques.

The best way to clean up after a dog is to carry small plastic bags with you everywhere. I usually carry one or two. (Sometimes I throw a rubber glove in my back pocket as well.) To safely remove your dog's waste, turn the bag inside out, put it over your hand, grab the waste with the hand covered by the bag, trying hard not to notice the weight or warm temperature of what you are hefting, and then with a simple, easy motion, turn the bag inside out and tie a secure knot in it. This harmless package can go in any trash can.

If, however, you do not have anything like a plastic bag handy, try these techniques.

1. The Sand Scoop. If your dog has soiled clean sand, the easiest way to dispose of this mess is to create two shovel shapes with both hands inserting your fingertips on either side of the offending bits, pushing carefully at a 30-degree angle until your hands meet underneath the matter to be removed, then, carefully lift the material, on a bed of sand, and walk to the nearest trash can. If no can is available, toss the entire mess far up into the dunes or any place a person will not be offended by it.

2. The Driftwood Flip. Similar to the sand scoop, the idea here is to use a piece of flat driftwood instead of your hands. A cedar shingle works best. A 4 x 8-foot sheet of plywood is recommended for really large dogs such as Great Danes and Newfoundlands.

3. The Receipt Grab. Even if you have no plastic bags in your pocket, chances are you do have a piece of paper or two. I find a receipt from Avis Rent-A-Car (5.5 x 8.5 inches) is the ideal size to lift and remove an average dog's waste. If you have a small dog, you may be able to use a receipt from an ATM machine. Please remember that once used, the receipt is no longer suitable to submit as proof of a deduction on your taxes. Your accountant will thank you.

4. The Insta-Privy. Sometimes, removal of the offending mark is not feasible or possible and the best bet is to dig a deep hole (16 to 18 inches) next to the waste and then bull-doze the material onto the hole using sand as a buffer between you and the hazardous material. The deeper the better. Then cover the pile with a layer of sand and, if available, a poured sixinch slab of concrete, reinforced with 1/2-inch rebar. This technique is only to be used as a last resort and never in an area where children are likely to dig anytime in the near future.

5. The Bare-Hander. If your dog soils the beach where water washes up, and the waves are in danger of removing the waste before you can find a suitable tool to remove it, the best thing to do is to be brave and handle the thing like a man. Covering the material with a layer of dry sand can sometimes

provide a protective coating that will limit your exposure. Once you have removed the waste, use a hand sanitizer to kill any dog germs or return to the water's edge, down current from bathers, and use wet sand to scrub and clean your hands. (extra tip: beach sand acts as an excellent exfoliant!) Stay away from the buffet table until after you have had a date with plenty of soap and water.

YACK on. I

Grant Sanders is the host of YACK, The Nantucket Online Community at yackon.com and his dog Seven and he can be found at the beach almost every day in the summer. His views are his own and do not reflect the editorial stance of The Nantucket Independent. Or his wife.