YACK on:
Suggested Changes
Grant Sanders
Ithink the town of Nantucket can learn a lot from how other resort communities do things. For example, I just got back from a week in the Florida Keys and I have to say, those Floridians do treat visitors right in many, many ways. We could benefits from a few changes around our little island. So I've noted a few areas where we could borrow some ideas to improve the Nantucket Experience.

The first is climate. Florida, except for the occasional killer hurricane, has a great warm, sunny climate. On the other hand, Nantucket weather is just plain miserable nine months out of the year. It's depressing. Happily, global warming will soon change that, and we will have much warmer weather, allowing up to extend the tourist season a few months in the Spring and a few in the Fall. As an added bonus, the resulting rise in sea level will mean that the shore will be much closer to my home in the mid-island district. Excellent.

Another benefit the Keys have over Nantucket is that they are connected to the mainland by a series of bridges and man-made causeways. I've written extensively in the past on why Nantucket should finally build a bridge or dig a tunnel to the mainland (separate from the "secret" tunnel, the location of which I've sworn never to reveal). The one great thing about being connected to the mainland is that while it does allow riff raff and biker gangs to actually drive here, it means that they can leave just as easily. Think about it.

Another plus the Keys have over Nantucket is the smell. You see, the Keys were formed by mangrove swamps which are constantly growing and dying and decaying. These mangrove clusters are eventually filed in with sediment or were built up when Henry Flagler built the railroad to Key West to form the island chain known as the Keys. If you've ever smelled a mangrove swamp, well, it smells, if you'll pardon the expression, like poo. And not the good kind of poo smell, either. A mangrove swamp smells really awful. And in the Keys, there's really no getting away from it. As a result, there is a class of people who probably do not visit there because the smell of mangrove swamp offends their delicate sensibilities. And let's face it, when you are hugely successful and rich beyond measure, you can go any number of places in the world, many of which do not smell like poo. Imagine the peace and quiet and paucity of gaudy Gulfstreams at the airport and Hummers on our streets if Nantucket stank to high heaven.

Another place where we really fall down is in the area of museums. Sure, we have several respectable attractions such as the Whaling Museum, the Lightship Basket Museum and the Lifesaving Museum. But in Key West they have a Ripley's Believe it or Not! Museum. I can only go to the Whaling Museum so many times and see whales teeth with pictures scratched in them before I fall asleep. But I never get tired of seeing a life-size wax replica of the world's fattest man (over 800 pounds!) a two-headed pig, or a sweater woven of human hair! Nantucket needs to work harder if we are going to stay on the cutting edge as a destination.

Many people remark that Nantucket has too many T-shirt shops, but those people have likely never been to Key West. There you can walk down Duval Street and see hundreds of T-shirt shops featuring some of the rudest and crudest T-shirts known to man. Ever walk down the street covering your kids' eyes with your hands? You will in Key West. This is one aspect of the Keys I do not recommend that we attempt to copy.

One thing we should copy, however, is the Key's adoption of alternative transportation. First, the city is very bicycle friendly. Also, there are a number of vendors which rent electric cars and three-wheeled two-person scooters by the hour. This makes getting round the city, and parking a lot easier. On Nantucket, we would need vehicles with fatter tires to handle the cobblestones, but it could be done. And once the wind farm is up, the little electric cars can be powered by clean energy. Bonus!

Another feature of the Keys that we may want to look into is the ability to walk from place to place with a beer in your hand. Does that sound great, or what? You stop in a bar, order a beer, and then go shopping! Then, as soon as you've finished a beer, there's a another bar right there! In fact there is a bar on every block on Duval Street in Key West. People walking around, drinking, getting full-body murals painted on themselves, having a good time and buying dozens of rude and disgusting T-shirts and "other items" that they would never have purchased had they been sober. Imagine the positive impact slightly inebriated, uninhibited consumers would have on the Nantucket economy. "Essuse me shopkeeper, sir? Ken I have a dozen of those really, really nice cashmere shweaters, pleeeeshe?"

Where we stayed in the Keys they have another feature we might want to consider adding to Nantucket: Key Deer. If you're not familiar with Key Deer, they are a mutated subspecies of white tailed deer that are smaller than regular deer. I'm not making this up. They're really tiny deer. About the size of medium-sized dog. Cute as a button. And friendly, too. They'll walk right up to you. And right in front of your car, if you're not careful. These rare deer live on two Keys and as a result, all development of those islands - Big Pine Key and No Name Key - has been outlawed in order to protect the Key Deer habitat. Plus the speed limit on all roads except US-1 is less than 30 mph. Want development on Nantucket to stop now? Want people to slow down? Import a key deer buck and three or four does. In one generation we'll have a whole herd of teensy weensy deer and the US Fish and Wildlife Department will step in and shut down development on the island to save the rare Nantucket Pigmy deer habitat. Worth considering.

There are several other things in the Florida Keys we desperately need on Nantucket. Like a slew of excellent restaurants where one can feed a family of four for under $80. Canals that lead to the harbor in front of every home so everyone can have a boat and water access (I'm going to start digging my canal to the ocean tomorrow). Sheriffs with powers that go beyond what our sheriff does (whatever that is). And a rather relaxed approach to architecture. (Pink homes with purple roofs? No problem!)

I think the Board of Selectmen should put together a blue ribbon panel to go down there and do some additional research and bring back more good ideas. I volunteer to lead the delegation.

YACK on. I

Grant Sanders is the Host of YACK, the Nantucket Online Community at yackon.com and he is currently sporting a modest tan. His views are his own and do not reflect the editorial stance of The Nantucket Independent. Or Grant's wife. Who has red hair and does not tan, she just gets more freckles.