YACK on: Move It
Grant Sanders
Let's make one thing really, really clear. I, in no way, find the fact that someone has lost their home to the ocean to be a laughing matter.

And yet, I write a humor column. And still, I am discussing this incredible storm we are currently experiencing. And I am witnessing the images of erosion and destruction being posted on YA C K o n . c o m over the past few days. Trees falling. Homes toppling over. Shingles flying off my roof and spinning down to my patio like the seeds from a maple tree at an alarming rate. (As soon as there are more shingles on the patio than on the house, I'll get around to replacing that roof. I mean, why pay for a tear-off when mother nature is more than happy to perform the job for free?)

Here's what I know as of this writing. One home has definitely fallen victim to the surf at Sheep Pond Road while a second is very close to falling over. Several feet of bluff at Sankaty has been undercut by the surf, filling the water with the partially sand-filled jute bags and 4 x 4 timbers used to terrace the bluff there. There is a rumor going around that Smith's Point has experienced a breach and that Esther's Island is once again an island. And according to our resident weather-watcher, Captain Blair Perkins, it looks like the high astronomical tides, wind and the rough surf will continue to pound away at the east end of the island for the rest of the week.

These are only bits of news reported to me via email and on YACKon.com. I'm not about to go out and see this for myself. I'm not insane, after all. I don't want a house to fall on me, or to watch the bluff at my feet fall away sending me and my dog and my gas-guzzling SUV into the surf below. No way.

I think there's one thing we all need to be aware of in this whole situation. Erosion is natural. Nantucket was shoved in place eons ago by a massive glacier and eventually, over more eons and through natural processes, it will wash away. Anyone who owns a home on a bluff should realize that they are on borrowed time. A bluff is where the rubber meets the road. Or, rather, where the sand meets the water. A bluff is ground zero. And it's constantly changing. In short, a bluff is a lousy place for a house to be.

If by some chance you are reading this and you happen to own a home on Baxter Road near the edge of the bluff, and your home is still intact and sitting where you last left it, I have just one bit of unsolicited advice to offer you.

Move it.

Your house. Find a piece of land somewhere else (there still are some good ones left). Dig a foundation. Ask some nice men with hydraulic jacks and railroad ties to lift up your home and put it on wheels and move your home to that spot. It's your only option.

I've looked at this situation from every angle and I can see no other positive outcome. Moving your house is the best you can hope for. Moving your house is the best of all possible best-case scenarios. In fact, from where I'm sitting (which is smack dab in the middle of the island, so my worries are not the least bit coastal), it's your only best-case scenario. Every other option ends with pain and tears and legal bills and watching large chunks of your family summer home drifting, awash in foam and brine.

Let's look at each possible scenario.

Scenario one - You go ahead with this whole beach nourishment scheme - which I will concede, could actually work. You've got the financing thing down pretty good. Setting up a nonprofit to pay for it and give yourselves a big, fat tax break was a stroke of genius. But by the time you are actually allowed to nourish the beaches in front of your homes, there will be nothing left to protect. That's because you're dealing with government. And government moves at the pace of a valium-enhanced sloth. Your application before the Conservation Commission will be denied. You'll appeal. You'll hire lawyers. You'll sue. People all around the island will fight you. (I know these people. They have plenty of free time. And they are good at writing letters, and standing up at meetings, and asking very valid questions that need to be answered.) And before you know it, another storm like the one we just experienced, or perhaps worse, could come along and make the whole argument moot.

Scenario two - As if by a miracle, the beach nourishment is approved by some phantom state agency granting you emergency nourishment powers. What then? As we've seen this week, a storm can move a lot of sand. How much sand do you think stood between Esther's Island and the rest of Nantucket before it was blown out to sea? Do we have a clue as to where the sand will go? And what about the fish? Dredging up sand from an offshore location will create a massive cloud of silt in the ocean and some people feel this could disrupt the finfish behavior. Sure, you've offered to compensate the commercial fishermen, but what abut the fish markets? What about the gasoline merchants who fill those boats up every day? What about the amateur fishermen? And what about people like me who feel that a panseared, pistachio-encrusted striper fillet over spaghetti squash with a herb beurre blanc sauce is perhaps the most important thing in the world and are willing to start a class-action lawsuit to protect it? How long can the family fortune hold out if you have to pay all those folks off?

Scenario three - You take steps to armor your beaches with rocks and create massive stone revetments in front of your homes. Again, this will likely be denied at the Conservation Commission level. The wheels of government move slowly. Maybe a storm takes a few homes. Maybe you are able to put up the rocks. After a few years you'll need more rocks. And more and more. One thing is certain: you'll never have a beach again. The waves will lap at your rocks and there will be no sunning there. No surfcasting. No sandcastles. You'll be joining the rest of us hoi polloi at Jetties and Surfside. Make sure you get there early so you can get a good spot to spread your beach blanket.

So there you have it. Move your house and everything will be fine. Maybe you can change the 'Sconset Beach Preservation Fund charter to pay for house moves instead of beach nourishment.

Then there will still be a beach there (nourished by the eroding bluff) and you will still have a home. Not a bad outcome if you ask me.

YACK on. I

Grant Sanders is the host of YACK, The Nantucket Online Community at www.yackon.com and he'd like to point out that there are a whole lot of problems in this crazy world that should be further up the list than erosion of the Sankaty bluff. His views are his alone and do not reflect the editorial stance of the Nantucket Independent. Or Grant's wife who used to live on the water in the summer time.