YACK on: Home Stretch
Grant Sanders
Well, folks, this is it. We are less than a week away from the local election on Tuesday the April 3, and I have to say I have no idea how the Board of Selectman race will shake out. Like the race to fill the seat vacated by Mike Glowacki in the fall, this one will likely come down to the wire, and while I've talked to a lot of people about this, I still cannot get a clear sense of who will be sitting on the board in two weeks and who will be licking their wounds.

Of course, I have my hopes that my two favorite candidates will win, but I won't bore the reader with my picks and why I've chosen them. I just hope that when you go to the polls you choose the two candidates you feel will do the most to put the island first.

Whoever wins, it will be a sad day for me as a humorist, because there will be fewer people to make fun of in town government. All of the candidates are pretty serious, hard-working, regular people. That won't stop me, of course. I'm sure we'll find something funny to talk about or deride. There's always the Planning Board.

With only six days to go, all of the candidates will be working hard to earn your votes. Expect to be accosted by each of them in the next week - at the dump, in front of the Stop & Shop. Each candidate will be looking for ways to stand out and get noticed.

Being an award-winning advertising, image and branding professional, and having studied the ads and campaign tactics of all of the candidates, I offer the following tips to the candidates who are out there trying to get those handful of votes that will put them over the top. I will go in alphabetical order, to be fair.

Rick Atherton. Rick, based on my research I have found that one thing that many Nantucketers have in common is that they all like dogs. Or most of them anyway. So if I were giving you some advice, I would say that you should make a point of being photographed with a number of dogs in the coming week. In fact, every time, you see a dog on the street, pet it, scratch it, or give it a big hug. (Don't kiss it, however, like politicians kiss babies. That's just weird.) Hand out bone-shaped treats with your name on them to their owners. And keep one of those spring-loaded pooper scoopers handy. When you use it, you can say something about cleaning up messes is good experience for being a selectman. That should get a laugh or two.

David Gray. David, you have been rising in the polls on YACKon.com of late. And you've been spending a lot of time meeting and greeting and holding your sign at the dump. Well done. But you're missing one thing. A cool slogan. Many political campaigns have been won or lost based on the strength of their slogan. Remember "Tippicanoe and Tyler, too?" Or how about "Au H2O 64?" It means "Goldwater in '64" which was a slogan so difficult to understand that many people believe it was the sole reason Goldwater's opponent, Lyndon Johnson, won. Luckily, David, your name, is the genesis of a perfect slogan! "The best choice isn't black or white, it's Gray." So run on out and have hundreds of flyers printed up with that slogan on it and hand them out. (Too late to make the last issue of the paper, sorry.)

Allen Reinhard. Allen, you have a huge amount of experience and the perfect temperament to be a selectmen, but many people I have spoken to believe that your chances are hurt by the recommendations of the Town Government Study Committee, which you chaired. Especially those that suggest we change certain elected boards to appointed ones. So my suggestion to you would be to try to deflect some of that negative press. As a result, I would recommend that you have big signs and stickers made up that say, "Allen Reinhard For Selectman. (Appointed Boards Was All Nancy Sevrens' Idea.)" That should help a great deal.

Neville Richen. Neville, you have all of that great theater experience and I think the last week of the race would be an ideal time to put it to good use. First, pull together a free staged reading of an adaptation of Mr. Smith goes to Washington and cast yourself in the Jimmy Steward role. Second, instead of just standing at the rotary waving, I think it would be a good opportunity to put on some theater in the round. A little Pinter in the roundabout sort of thing. And showing up at tonight's BOS meeting wearing a large, theatrical hat and holding Yorick's skull, and speaking into the PlumTV microphone to ask the board a question in Elizabethan English would be a good touch as well. Lay it out there. It can't hurt.

Patty Roggeveen. I fear that a lot of the nasty politics surrounding last fall's election and recount may be tarnishing your chances to take the seat this time around. For that reason, I think you should spend the remaining time in the race working on damage control and boosting your image in the community. Some tips: First, buy a police scanner and any time there is a kitten caught in a tree or baby ducklings holding up traffic near Consue Springs, jump in your car, race to the scene, and save those cute, small animals. If you can get a picture of yourself feeding wild deer by hand, or better yet, removing ticks from wild deer, I would suggest that you post that on YACKon.com as soon as you can. And, perhaps my best advice of all would be to go to the MSPCA today with a photographer and a reporter and adopt all of the stray dogs and cats they have and bring them home. This will help your image immensely. You can trust me. I'm a professional.

Hope you're not allergic.

YACK on. I

Grant Sanders is the host of YACK, The Nantucket Online Community at yackon.com and he is working hard now to get his dog elected to the HDC next year so he can go ahead with his plans to build a geodesic dome on his property. His views are his alone and do not necessarily reflect the editorial stance of The Nantucket Independent. Or his wonderful and extremely tolerant wife.