YACK on:
Cheerful
Grant Sanders
As if on cue, with the impending worst-month-of-theyear upon us next week, a dark veil has been cast upon the YACKon.com site. It's what Winston Churchill used to refer to, in his personal journals, as "The Black Dog." A sense of foreboding doom. Like a collapsed, dead star in space that sucks in everything around it. Even light. We have become an online collection of doomsday foretellers and naysayers. The sun, surely, will never shine again. Our island, once happy and prosperous in "The Good Old Days," is done for. The death star is coming. And Luke Skywalker or Han Solo in his Millennium Falcon are nowhere in sight. Even admen like myself, who clearly have no souls and prey on the goodwill and naiveté of small children and the elderly, feel the overwhelming power of this oppressive, awful, ominous darkness that surrounds us.

This all began with a rather introspective post by a YACKon.com regular about the state of life on the island and the desperation of fishermen. Then a few lost dog threads began, which always makes people sad. (It's the pictures that are posted that does it. The sad eyes looking at the camera. A lost dog photo is perhaps the saddest thing known to mankind. The words, "lost dog" constitute perhaps the saddest phrase in the English language.)

And then someone started the ultimate annual fear-and-loathing thread: The Future of Nantucket (read: or the lack thereof). And things just got worse from there. So today, the pessimism meter at yackon.com is pinned at 10. It's a darn good thing that some of our members are away during school vacation week and will return with sunny and happy dispositions. We're going to need it.

As is usually the case, the mood on YACK pretty much accurately reflects the mood island-wide, and if that's true, the situation can spiral downward quickly and result in a lot of sullen islanders.

So, as a public service to the island, and in my best Ian Drury and the Blockheads fashion, I will give you my reasons to be cheerful. Tack this on your fridge door during the entire month of March and refer to it often. It will keep you from spending the entire month in bed with a box of tissues listening to Tori Amos CDs.

Okay here goes. Grant's reasons for Nantucket to be cheerful: Uh… I can't think of any.

Just kidding. Here they are.

1. Several local predictions of major storms have not panned out and we've had a very mild winter. So your propane or oil bill will be much lower this year.

2. Winter is a great time to check out some of the island's walking trails. Rumor has it a new, fabulous map of such trails will soon be available for free. Stay tuned!

3. I'll be taking my 82-year-old father fishing in Florida in a couple weeks. (Okay that's just a reason for me to be cheerful. But hey, we all need to feel good about something.)

4. There are a few new faces in the selectman's races this year. Some of the most highly qualified candidates to come along in years. If just one of these highly qualified candidates gets in, the forces of darkness will have a tough time plotting the downfall of the island for sure.

5. Stubbys' mini-me cheeseburgers. They are delicious. And they are rather cute.

6. The new Steamship Authority fast ferry Iyanough will arrive this month to replace the Flying Cloud. I hear she is beautiful and has wireless internet access throughout.

7. On a related note, now you can check the standby line on the web and see when you need to report, instead of loitering on Steamboat Wharf all day.

8. One another related note, I think that Flint Ranney and Nat Lowell have been doing an amazing job sticking up for the island's interests as our representatives to the Steamship Authority. Well done, sirs.

9. Another reason to be cheerful: The Anna Nicole Smith discussion on YACKon.com was very, very short.

10. If one starts now, anyone can look good in a swimsuit by the 4th of July. Please disregard previous mention of Stubby's mini-me cheeseburgers, which are available, by the way, by the dozen.

11. Nat Lowell is running for Planning Board and not the island's Global Warming consultant. (Nat, you know I love you, man…)

12. The final Harry Potter book will be out this summer. Something to look forward to. Will Harry defeat Lord Voldemort? I'm guessing yes. But it won't be easy.

13. The school actually listened to the people of Nantucket and did not combine the Pathways and Magic Years pre-schools. That's a good thing.

14. The Brotherhood has been open in the off season. The beer is cold and the fireplace is warm.

15. No one is running for SHAB, so we can write in whomever we want.

16. Milk is still inexpensive at Cumbies. Two dollars and change for a gallon of 1 percent.

17. Stubby's serves fries too. Did I mention that? Oops.

The Cape Wind wind farm looks even closer to completion than ever. This is good news no matter which side of the issue you fall on because it means that after a few years, we will no longer argue about it.

18. There, now, don't you feel much better? I sure do. So now you are completely prepared for Hate Month. Remember to wear bright colors. Whistle a happy tune, and no matter what, you'll be fine.

YACK on. I

Grant Sanders is the Host of YACK, The Nantucket Online Community at yackon.com and he always tries to look on the bright side of things even when the "Black Dog" is upon him. His black dog is rather nice and has a white seven on his chest. Grant's views are his alone and do not necessarily reflect the editorial position of The Nantucket Independent. Or his wife, who loves her black dog, too.