YACK on:
Consumerism
Grant Sanders
Lately on YACKon.com we've been discussing how the island's shops and restaurants are letting us all down by closing in the cold, bleak and touristless months of Winter. One YACKer lamented that he tried to go in town and stimulate the island economy by buying local but none of the locals were selling. In the same discussion, we talked about how several Jared Coffin House guests had to be content with a cold deli platter from the Stop & Shop over the Christmas holidays because there were no restaurants open on the island during that time. Some world-class resort we turn out to be. Some people come to the island to spend a Dickensian holiday on Nantucket and end up eating baloney and American cheese on Portuguese rolls from a disposable, textured, aluminum platter set upon a priceless, 16th century, Victorian, lacquered, singlepedestal, sewing stand in the Jared Coffin House's lobby.

"Please sir, I want some more?" Uh, no, not really.

The old-timers of the YACKon.com group shot back that the whole island used to shut down between Labor Day and sometime in June, so we should all consider ourselves lucky that most businesses stay open until Stroll.

I happen to think that the restaurants and retail shops should all get together and draw straws to see who stays open during the bleakest of bleak times here. The short straw toughs it out and gets 23 postcards from St. Barts. "Havng a wonderful time. Wish you were here. Remember to only take local checks with a phone number printed on them."

Ironically, none of this lack of retail or restaurants has affected me because I happen to have a lot of work off-island and have spent 14 of the last 21 days in what is commonly referred to in a sneering tone as "America." I've been staying in 3.5-star hotels on my clients' dimes, hoarding small bottles of shampoo and writing notes to the chambermaid to "please stop leaving decaffeinated coffee for me and, instead, provide extra [underlined three times] regular coffee (as many as you can spare)! Thanks!" (Then I draw a vibrating coffee bean and a pair of wildly caffeinated eyes with a smile underneath them in case the chamber maid's grasp of English syntax and creative underlining is not up to snuff.)

Here in America, service never takes a vacation. In fact, there are often 10 or 12 different choices no matter what you are seeking. Breakfast? There's Dunkin, Charbucks, Au Bon Pain, Mary Lou's, and 50 others. Need a toothbrush? There's CVS, Brooks, Osco, and a bazillion mom and pop drugstores. No matter what you want, you can have it. I did a little experiment and searched on Google Maps for movie theaters around my hotel. There were six multi-plex theaters within a 15-minute drive, plus an IMAX. It's an embarrassment of consumer riches.

A couple days ago, I went into a Super Stop & Shop that was so huge you could take our pathetic runt of a Stop & Shop and fit four or five of them in it. The place was so cavernous, you could buy anything there if you're willing to walk far enough.

"Rhino horn? Try aisle 267, right next to the live goats and opposite the small, Eastern-European sedans…Please bring ample drinking water, a change of socks and a flare gun in case you get lost. Thank you for hiking Stop & Shop…"

My only complaint with the consumer society off island is that it does not overtly cater to people like me who have thrown themselves wantonly off the right hand edge of the Gap size chart, a piece of cake in one hand, a turkey leg in the other. Happily, I spotted a caravan of husky people in lowriding, cheap Japanese cars and followed them to a Target. There I found a pair of jeans that fit perfectly for $16.99. That's a pretty good price for a pair of pants which will be worn five times and then, in a fit of self-loathing, duct-taped to the outside of the refrigerator as a reminder to myself to stay away from the pie.

Anyone who thinks that I am suggesting that we bring mainland consumerism to the island is incorrect. What I'm suggesting is that anyone who cannot find what they need or want on Nantucket should feel no guilt or shame in the act of getting on a boat and stocking up on muffin tins, Tim Allen DVDs and large plastic bins that could double as lucrative rental properties in season. If Nantucket cannot provide, the mainland will.

Also, feel no remorse if you find yourself purchasing items on the Internet that you could buy on island, but at a 180 percent mark-up. A few years ago, I would have said that it's our duty to buy local and keep the money in the island economy. I've changed my mind since then.

It's gotten so hard to make ends meet on the island that a person's got to do what a person's got to do. If that means buying bags of concrete at Home Depot for $4 instead of $11 at Marine Home Center, and then schlepping one bag over on the plane each week for ten weeks to pour some post holes, well, golly, sorry Marine Home Center. It's either you or me. That kind of stuff adds up. And not all of us are third-generation Rockefellers who are willing to pay $48 for a plain, tin mailbox.

Some island businesses are worth patronizing, however. Take my friends at Bookworks, for example. Did you know that they will order any in-print book you like, and then call you when it comes in? Just like Amazon, but friendlier. And human-lier, too. I wouldn't think of buying my books from anywhere else (unless it was some trashy pop-culture novel that I wouldn't want anyone to know I was stooping to read). Plus they stay open late some nights, making it possible for us last-minute gift buyers to look semi-prepared and forethoughtful.

But with a few bright spots like Bookworks and Island Variety and Henry's Junior aside, overall, I believe that the Nantucket economy is essentially doomed to collapse very, very soon. No one who lives here year round will be able to afford anything sold on island at all if the trends keep up. And we will go back to closing down the island between Labor Day and sometime in June. People will find it harder to live on Nantucket and move away, selling their three-room shacks and buying 17-bedroom estates on five acres of land near the New Hampshire border. All signs point to it. Even with all of my turkeyleg and cake consuming, even I cannot keep the island economy afloat on my own forever. So watch out folks, Things are going to get worse. I'll see you at Target between the Clay Aiken CDs and the 12-packs of contact lens solution.

YACK on. I

Grant Sanders is the host of YACK, The Nantucket Online Community at www.yackon.com and his jeans can double as a floatation device. His views are his alone and do not necessarily reflect the editorial stance of The Nantucket Independent. Or Grant's wife, Barrie, who had to be dragged out of Target the other day.