TIGHT LINES
with Andrew Spencer
200 CHANNELS AND THERE'S NOTHING ON

It was an honest mistake. Seriously. Anybody could have made it. I just happened to be the guilty culprit. And the ironic thing is, I was trying to be helpful.

I was at the Stop & Shop recently, stocking up for another week's worth of cheap eats, and I had gathered the groceries I'd determined were necessary for survival and a modicum of happiness. I was in the checkout line, feeling pretty pleased with myself for getting in and out so efficiently. Then I remembered, somewhere in the back of my brain, something Jill had said to me. Something about a former Nantucket High School student that she knew - Nicholas Arakawa - who was modeling in a magazine. But which one was it? Oh, yeah. Cosmopolitan. It's certainly not the most embarrassing thing I've ever purchased, but it's up there.

So I return home and present Jill with the February issue of Cosmopolitan. She looks at me like I'd just sprouted a clarinet out of my left ear. You see, Jill isn't one of those "Cosmo readers" you hear about. She's more The Nantucket Independent kind of girl. But I digress.

It may have been the wrong month, but Spencer was not about to let four bucks go to waste.

So I gave Jill the magazine and she assumed I had some kind of dirty-minded ulterior motives, so I explained that I had bought it for her because of Nick's photo spread. Silly boy, it's the January issue of Cosmopolitan, and this is the February issue.

Suddenly I felt even more embarrassed.

So it seemed that my purchase had been futile. Pointless, even. But then I looked at the receipt, and I realized that I had spent over four bucks for this thing, and I was going to read it, by God. So I read my very first issue of Cosmopolitan.

At this point, the embarrassment itself was beginning to feel a little embarrassed.

But I found some of the articles intriguing, to say the least. And it's not the ones you're thinking. Case in point, "When Your Mother Bugs the Hell Out Of You" (page 168) was a rather interesting take on how to deal with your mother when she, well, bugs the hell out of you. Not that my sweet and darling mother ever bugs the hell out of me, but just in case she ever does, I'll know how to handle it. And "How Sexy Is Too Sexy At Work?" (page 173) offered up some sage advice for those of us in the workforce, including things like avoiding "halter tops, shorts, and giant earrings." And all that suggests that Shep might want to start re-thinking his outfits before coming into the office.

But the one that really hit me was in the "Guy Spy" section on page 56. The little piece on "Dude Brain Scans" was spot-on, as it examined the hardhitting issue of why it is that guys watch re-runs on TV. Turns out, ladies, our brains "have lower activity levels" when we're watching the tube, which means that we can be entertained by the same old thing for hours on end. And you know what? That article made me think of fishing shows.

And if you really want that hot guy at the next table to notice you, just drop him a wink and a segue.

Friends and neighbors, it's the off season. I mean, now that the Super Bowl is over, it's really the off season. Yeah, sure, there's the Pro Bowl and the draft and training camps, but it all pales in comparison. So we're stuck. But Uncle Andrew is here with his trusty winch to get you un-stuck real quick-like.

Quick story here. A fraternity brother of mine named Jeff Chamblee lives in Houston, with his lovely wife Mary Margaret, whose father is actually named Joe DiMaggio (no relation), but that's another story for another column. Anyway, one Sunday morning, Mary Margaret is out working in the garden, while Jeff is plopped down on the sofa watching a fishing show (we members of the Kappa Alpha Order were always the Southern gentlemanly types). She suggests he move his carcass outside and assist in the yard work, but Jeff says to her - and I quote - "Hang on, honey. He's about to catch a really big one here. I've seen this one before."

That's right. Jeff was actually watching a rerun of a fishing show. And he actually remembered the sequence of when Bill Dance caught "a really big one" in that particular episode. While it doesn't really say a whole lot about Jeff's brain activity at the time, it does point up two important facts. One, apparently it's true that we men can be entertained by literally anything on television. But two, and more importantly, it shows that we can actually remember some of the stuff we see on TV.

Now surely you don't need a road map to see where this is headed, but just in case you do, here's the deal. It's the off season, so we're all bored. We're itching for some good striper fishing, but it's still a ways off. But there's a little oasis on the airwaves. And, believe it or not, you can learn a lot from those TV guys. A lot of times they're fishing pretty much the premier spots on the planet and, if you look closely enough, sometimes they might seem like they're catching the same fish more than once (yet another story for another column), but the techniques and tackle they use translate just as well to Great Point as they do in Belize. So turn on, tune out, and let the learning happen.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a "Three Stooges" marathon on TV. Twenty-four hours of the Stooges. Color me psyched.

Tight lines. I