YACK on: Mail Bag
Grant Sanders
It's that time of year again. Time for me to answer the piles and piles of mail we get. I apologize to everyone who has waited so patiently for their questions to be answered. I've been very busy writing ads for insurance companies and major universities. And just this week I found the time to read the voluminous mail, email and notes tied to bricks that we receive here and at YACKon.com almost daily. So here goes.

Malcolm Mercer from Wisdom, Miss., ironically writes, "Grant, please settle a bet for me. Is the spit of sand to the west of the island called Smith's Point or Smith Point?"

Malcolm, this is a very common question and many people argue about the answer all the time. The truth is, what was once known as Smith's Point has seen a great deal of erosion. Back in 1978, the incredible blizzard we had took a huge amount of the beach away along with the apostrophe. And then in 1992, the No Name storm took the "s" and a couple of small houses that no one really liked anyway. So today, it's Smith Point. Happily, the point seems to be accreting now, so it could once again be known as Smith's Point very soon. Stay tuned.

Jean Kinly of the Mid-Island asks, "Grant, I hear your dog's name is Seven. How did he get his name?"

Jean, many people think that my dog is so named for the Seinfeld episode where George muses about naming his future son after the number Mickey Mantle wore on his Jersey. Well, Jean, I'm really not a fan of hockey, so you can be sure that's not why my dog has that name. No sir. Actually the reason can be found in the prophesy in a little known ancient Urdu text about dog that will unify the forces of good and evil and restore balance to all mankind. Okay, that's a lie. It's because he has a white "7" on his chest. I mean, come on! My dog relieves himself on your lawn maybe 23 times a week, Jean. I can't believe you haven't noticed that.

Kent Poe writes, Grant, why do they put those strips of sticky plastic on CD packages and then wrap the whole thing in cellophane so that it takes 20 minutes to open the package and listen to your music?"

Kent, many people think this is a theft deterrent measure that keeps would-be thieves from removing the disc from the package while in the store. Not so. The real reason is that there has not been any good music made since Todd Rundgren started touring with the New Cars and the members of the Thompson Twins pooled their money and bought a lawn ornament dealership in Wayne, N.J. Record companies added the extra plastic, glue and tape so that consumers would feel that they were really working hard to get at their music and therefore were constantly under the false impression that once open, the songs in question are actually worth listening to. Largely, this is not true. You see the record industry has found it to be much more cost effective to press CDs of songs that stink but are nearly impossible to liberate from their plastic prisons than it is to actually work hard and create good music. Think about it. Name the most famous woman musician alive today. Is she well known for her singing or for getting out of a limo without the benefit of underwear? I rest my case.

Mrs. Mabel Gladstone of Squam writes, "Grant, what's the best name for a cat?"

Mabel, oddly, this is a question that many high school students get wrong on the MCAS test. Most of them mistakenly say that the best name for a cat is "Boots." This may have been true in Eisenhower's time, but as we all know, times, fashions and suitable cat names change. And you have to keep up. Other people feel the best name for a cat is "Robert." They are also mistaken. Obviously the best name for any cat is "Wiskers McGee," but only if you can get him to wear a hat made from the lids of yogurt containers. Otherwise, the best name is clearly "Locutus of Borg." (I am often surprised people keep asking this question.)

Gregor the Awful from the Old Historic District writes, "Grant who will win the upcoming selectman's race?"

Gregor, it's really too soon to tell, but so far I believe that the odds on favorite for winning the race is a bowl of warm oatmeal. I know what you're thinking, how can a bowl of oatmeal beat actual people who have taken out their papers? The answer is simple, Gregor. It's because oatmeal is bland. Oatmeal will not make waves or try to change things. Oatmeal believes in "the process" and in the status quo and in being warm and slightly gloppy. And oatmeal has been proven in clinical trials to lower your bad cholesterol and raise your good cholesterol. In the upcoming meet-the-candidates night debates, I expect the bowl of oatmeal to really distinguish itself by appearing with brown sugar and some Muscat raisins and everyone will remark how sophisticated and tempting the oatmeal is. The voters are so easily fooled. When will they learn that you can dress oatmeal up, but it's still oatmeal?

Finally, Charlise Pock from Cape Cod asks, "Grant, is Nantucket really the place where the millionaires mow the lawns of the billionaires?"

Charlise, this is absolutely true. I know several people who mow lawns for a living whose net worth exceeds a million dollars and they have several clients who are genuine billionaires. This is a common fact that even Nantucket school children know. But, many people are not aware that Nantucket is also the place where the billionaires clean the trash cans of the trillionaires. And it's where the trillionaires comb the mustaches of the quadrillionaires. And where the quadrillionairs pick up the dry cleaning of the gajillionaires. There are no thousandaires on Nantucket any more. The last one was asked to leave in 2003 by a consortium of lawn-mower salesmen.

I'm glad I was able to answer all of the questions in this month's mail bag. Or at least the ones that were not overly frivolous or annoying.

YACK on. I

Grant Sanders is the host of YACK, The Nantucket Online Community at www.yachom.com and he mows his own lawn in hopes of someday becoming fabulously wealthy. His views are his own and do not necessarily reflect the editorial stance of the Nantucket Independent. Or his wife (who has a birthday coming up in 12 days).