YACK on:
Reasons to Leave
Grant Sanders
Irecently received an email from a YACKon.com lurker (the Internet term for someone who reads the site, but does not post — we have a lot of those) and he sent me a news story from the Orange County Register about a teen from Nantucket who was compelled to leave the island because he wanted to fulfill his dream of being a better surfer. The conditions on Nantucket were too cold. The good waves too scarce. The competition not stiff enough. So he wrote emails to several California surfing coaches, secured a place to live and flew to Orange County to pursue his dream. And I say good for you, sir, for following that dream! Too few of us dream those kinds of dreams and even fewer of us have the conviction, strength and guts to take action and make them happen. (You can read the whole story on page 17 of this newspaper, or by visiting the YACKon.com “YACK on Community” forum.)

This got me to thinking. Despite the fact that Nantucket is a wonderful place with an incredibly vibrant and caring community, intense, unspoiled beauty and the lowest bay scallop prices around, we hear about people leaving the island all of the time. And often we assume that the reasons for leaving are either related to either economics, or changes in job status. But the truth is, there are dozens of reasons people leave Nantucket. Hundreds, maybe. What follows is a compilation of the top 25 valid reasons one might have to leave the island.

1.With the new roundabout, the traffic will be so light that one will only have a few minutes in the car to listen to right-wing radio talk show personalities like Rush Limbaugh and Howie Carr. Moving to a place like Weston or Norwell with their 1.75-hour commutes offer more opportunities to memorize neo-con talking points in order to reproduce them, word-for-word, on one’s favorite web forum.

2. You only speak a rare Polynesian language in which the word “ACK” is a terribly offensive curse word.

3. You come to grips with the fact that you cannot realize your childhood dream of becoming a panda-bear neurosurgeon if you stay here one more minute.

4. Kerry is eyeing another run for the White House. It’s not that you don’t like the inconvenience or the occasional references to Nantucket in the press painting us as Chardonnay-swilling, effete, liberal elitist snobs. It’s that the secret service guys with their dark glasses and their walkie-talkies really creep you out. 5. You’re allergic to mold. 6. You’re allergic to pine pollen. 7. You’re allergic to summer people.

8. You’re allergic to sand.

9. After 19 years here, you finally realized that that nagging sensation in the back of your mind was the fact that it really, really bugs you that people leave the “Sia” off of the word “’Sconset” and you just can’t take it any more.

10. You come to grips with the fact that you cannot realize your childhood dream of becoming a Chippendales dancer if you stay here one more minute.

11. You’re obsessed with Kelly Rippa which necessitates moving to NYC and standing on line every day to get tickets to “Regis and Kelly” so that you can be closer to the woman you love. And maybe get an autograph. Or a handful of her hair. Or a restraining order.

12. All that lumberjack training is going to waste.

13. Anyone can now have their own TV show on TV17. That’s why you left LA, dammit!

14. You’ve given up hope that the next music tour by the 80s band, The Tubes, will come through Nantucket.

15. You come to grips with the fact that you cannot realize your childhood dream of becoming a world class actuarial if you stay here one more minute.

16. You’ve become obsessed with ticks. Ticks everywhere. You worry that they’re out to get you. To crawl on your skin and bury themselves in your hair and infect you with disease. It’s all-consuming. So you move to a high rise in the city where you can just worry about cockroaches.

17. The Coast Guard has finally decided to phase out the antiquated and anachronistic post of light house holler coxswain, a.k.a., “ahoyboy.”

18. You came in 1988 with hopes of becoming known as “The East Coast David Hasselhoff.” But the red board shorts no longer fit and the allure is wearing off.

19. You realize that the map sold to you by “Cutthroat” Henry Speers was a fake.

20. You come to grips with the fact that you cannot realize your childhood dream of becoming an arctic explorer if you stay here one more minute.

21. Tired of waiting for a job to open up in the left-handed harpoon restoration department at the NHA.

22. Because if your kids ask for a Happy Meal one more damn time, you’re going to freakin’ lose it.

23. You really, really, really like armadillos.

24. You’ve been here 27 years and people still call you “Washashore Hank.”

25. “Wait… This isn’t the Vineyard?” I

Grant Sanders is the Host of YACK, The Nantucket Online Community at yackon.com and he still has not found a good reason to leave Nantucket, despite that fact that he is a board certified rhinoplastic surgeon and loves to compete in cheese hurling competitions. His views are his own and do not necessarily reflect the editorial stance of The Nantucket Independent.