TIGHT LINES
with Andrew Spencer

Dear Santa: Once upon a time, I had a full set of real teeth. Then, in what can only be called a day that will live forever in infamy, I broke a front tooth. It wasn’t a pretty sight and, truth be told, it pains me too much to recall that horrible incident. Suffice it to say that since that day, I’ve got a fake front tooth.

In the words of the legendary Johnny Cash, “The one on the right is on the left.” I’m not totally sure what that means, exactly, but it’s my right front tooth that’s fake. And speaking of Johnny Cash and teeth, I’m reminded of a little Christmas ditty about all someone wanting for Christmas is his two front teeth. And, come to think of it, given that it’s Christmas, that’s pretty appropriate. So while we’re at it, I’m going to run down my wish list for Christmas this year, just in case anybody out there is looking for that last-minute present for yours truly.

Stocks… This is always a handy gift to give, especially blue-chip stocks (I’m not so much of a day trader). For the sake of simplicity, it would be best if you purchase said stocks in amounts with lots of zeros (not leading zeros).

Put a smile on this man’s face — get him what he wants for Christmas. Oh, forget it. Andrew Spencer is happy with things just the way they are.

Which brings us to gift idea number two…

Cash… Like stocks (see above), always an appreciated gift. Again, it’s important to go with large numbers followed by many zeros. Preferably non-sequential bills. And, if you’re really interested in getting my attention, you can have it deposited straight into a new Swiss bank account. Nothing says “important person” like a Swiss bank account.

Property… It seems everyone these days likes to do things in themes. Case in point, you’ve got mothers everywhere who are decorating nurseries in themes. These are, mind you, first-time mothers. In my case, as I was the fourth child, the novelty of my entry into the world was short-lived, and my nursery was done in the style of “stuff we dragged down from the attic,” but I digress. Unlike my long-suffering mother, I’m doing themes this year, and the theme du jour is “expensive.” So please, nothing less than an acre, preferably waterfront.

Precious Metals… See above regarding level of cost. Platinum has that classical elegance, and gold sure is awful pretty, too. So either of those is fine.

Cashmere… I’m nothing if not fashionable, and given that I saw Finn Murphy at Fast Forward this morning (when I was, in fact, talking to my favorite builder Tom Walsh about things like buses and salsa), I’m taking that as a sign that I was meant to receive a nice cashmere sweater. I’m not too particular, just so long as it’s cashmere.

And to think. There are certain people who say I’m hard to shop for.

And for those of you out there who are really, really, really trying to get into my good graces, you can do so quite easily by getting me fishing stuff.

I want an official Red Ryder carbine action 200- shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time. Actually, you know what, screw it. This year, I just want a segue.

And now that we’ve taken care of the whole segue issue, we can get to the real message here. I’ve been called Grinch, I’ve been called Scrooge, and there was that unfortunate “curmudgeon” comment last year. I’ve even been called “Bob Marley” by one soul who apparently read the Rastafarian version of “A Christmas Carol.” Yeah, Christmas is a time for getting stuff. I admit it. I like getting stuff as much as — actually probably more than — the next guy. And I know that all of our local retailers are hoping for big numbers this holiday season. And, if you really want the honest truth, if somebody out there wants to plop down a cool quarter million and get me a tricked-out boat, I won’t turn it down.

But sometimes living on Nantucket, it’s easy to get caught up in everything we don’t have — movie theaters with 14 screens, ninety-nine-cent cheeseburgers, Wal-Mart…oh, blessed Wal-Mart. And when I start thinking, “I’m mad because I can’t get 13-inch pumpkinseed plastic worms at four in the morning because there’s no Wal-Mart here,” I have to remember everything I do have on Nantucket. We’ve got amazing resources here — some people work a lifetime for the chance to spend a week on Nantucket beaches, and the fishing is second-tonone during the season. So let’s be grateful for what we’ve got. Yeah, the fishing is slow this time of year, but it’ll pick up in the spring. I’m just trying to work on focusing on what I’ve got, not what I don’t.

So, Santa, now that I really sit and think about it, it looks like I’m all set with everything I’ve got this year. Unless, of course, that 35-foot center-console is already in the sleigh. Merry Christmas friends and neighbors. Tight lines.

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