YACK on: Hating America
Grant Sanders

My phone rang after 10 p.m the other night. It was a friend of mine. A young guy who lives on Nantucket and whom I like and respect a great deal. He had just read my column from last week and he called to ask me a simple question: “Grant, why are you so negative?”

I explained to him that I write a humor column and part of humor is to draw attention to the contrasts that some people might not readily see. And in the process, one occasionally needs to paint some things and people as good, and other things and people as bad. The humor then is readily apparent to anyone not in the latter category. Laughter ensues. It’s the basis of nearly all humor writing.

Actually, this was just an explanation I gave my friend so that he would think that I’m a lot smarter than I really am. I’ve memorized it from a textbook for just such occasions. The real answer to his question — why am I so negative — is simple.

I hate America.

In fact, I hate America so much that I probably ought to just go back to where I came from. Which is Worcester, Massachusetts. Which is still in America. So a fat lot of good that would do me.

Some people have suggested to me that those who hate America ought to just leave this country and go live in France. This puzzles me. I’m not sure what good going to live in France would do except to put me in close proximity to some of the world’s best wines and stinky cheeses. Which is nice. But it does not address the root cause of this hate. It just necessitates more frequent teeth brushing.

So, what is that root cause? The answer is not clear to me, although I’m willing to explore it. I’m not willing, however, to go to a therapist and pay hundreds of dollars an hour to lie on a couch and, after 23 sessions, find out that the reason I hate America stems from long-standing issues I have with my mother (who was an American). I don’t think that’s it.

Do you think we can work it out together, readers? Let’s try.

It might have something to do with this George Bush fellow who is currently the President of the country. I’m not too keen on him, I’ll tell you.

Not liking George Bush, I am told by people who post in the Off Topic Forum on YACK, the Nantucket Online Community, is a sure-fire sign that a person hates America. Kind of like not liking asparagus is a pretty good indication that you’ll dislike an asparagus omelet.

An optimist might suggest eating around the asparagus, but really it’s such a strong vegetable it permeates the whole omelet and changes the entire dish’s flavor. Plus the asparagus makes your pee smell. And who wants that? Of course when you complain about the omelet, there’s always someone who pipes up and says, anyone who doesn’t love the asparagus omelet ought to just leave the omelet side of the menu altogether and go order French toast.

So now that we’ve established, through a somewhat disjointed food analogy, that not liking George Bush means one hates America, perhaps we should delve deeper to explore the underlying pathology of this hate.

People blame George Bush for all of the bad stuff in the world, but I’m not all that certain that’s fair. After all, how can one man screw up an entire planet and be the cause of all its ills? That’s just silly talk.

Take the war for instance. People say he pushed us into a war without having all the facts and now we are stuck in a military nightmare scenario with no clear and painless exit strategy in sight, thousands of US men and women dead, and tens of thousands wounded.

Okay, that one is true.

Well how about the whole economy thing? Critics say Bush was handed a country with a balanced federal budget and relative prosperity and he basically has spent so much on the war that the country is way, way, way in the red.

Okay, that one is true. too.

Bush naysayers also claim that his foreign policy has essentially alienated many of our former allies, and that the world is no longer on the USofA’s side.

Hmmm… that one seems to be true, too.

What about this whacky claim that Bush appears to be moving the Supreme Court to the right? True. How about that crazy talk that Bush is allowing religious ideology to shape our domestic policy. True. And how about the killer hurricane Katrina? That can’t be Bush’s fault. Wait…I seem to remember him taking responsibility for that one. Oh, well…

Hey, what about the sudden increase in really awful reality TV shows? That’s obviously not Bush’s fault. Anyone who says so is just wrong.

So you see, any criticism of our president is clearly unfounded and probably just a case of irrational America hating. After all, how can you not love this guy?

Wow. Thanks for sticking with me dear readers while I worked that out. I feel so much better. And now that I’ve gotten to the root of the problem I can see that hating America makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

The next time I’m near a Wal-Mart, I’ll be buying a pile of Lee Greenwood CDs and some of those American flags that stick on my car to show just how happy I am with the direction in which this country is moving.

YACK on.

Grant Sanders is the host of YACK, the Nantucket Online Community at yackon.com where the Off-Topic forum is a hotbed of rabid political wrangling and debate and where the America Haters currently outnumber the other posters three to one. Come join in and even the sides, won’t you?

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