YACK on:
GrantSanders

I’ve been writing the YACK On column for close to two years now, and as you might imagine, I get a lot of reader mail. In fact, on some weeks, I have to bring a wheelbarrow into the The Nantucket Independent offices to pick it all up.

This is rather gratifying and has helped to dramatically lower our heating bills this winter.

I try as best I can to answer all of the mail I receive, but unfortunately there are only so many hours in the day, so I thought I would dedicate this week’s column to answering some of the questions I get every week. Here goes.

Alison from the Miacomet area asks, “What is your feeling about the whole Great Harbor Yacht Club thing?”

Alison, you have to understand one thing about me. I’m cheap. I would never buy a yacht because the darned things are just so expensive. And I simply could never bring myself to sign a six-figure check to join a yacht club. But on the other hand, I do like to be out on boats. And I like to sit in comfortable accommodations sipping fine wines. This means that in order to spend more time on boats or surrounded by luxury, it behooves me, and everyone on Nantucket, to suck up to the Great Harbor Yacht Club folks. I’m in it for the free boat rides and free drinks. Everyone needs a hobby.

Mort from Cisco asks, “Grant how do we solve this whole growth thing?”

Mort, I get hundreds and hundreds of unsolicited emails every week that deal with “the growth issue.” Most of them deal with growing hair, or growing one’s stock portfolio, or growing one’s, uh, anatomy. So, as you can imagine, I am reminded about growth all the time. For me the simplest way to solve the growth issue on Nantucket is to pass a law that would require all realtors to wear specially designed suits with massive pockets filled with sand. This would slow them all down considerably. Just answering the phone would be a real chore. Slower realtors would result in a slower realty market, giving us all an opportunity to catch up. Mort, as you can see, often the simplest solutions are the best.

Jerry from the Old Historic District asks, “What’s your favorite TV show?”

I’m a huge fan of local TV. Specifically, the airport commission meetings. As far as I’m concerned, they can’t be on often enough. My second favorite TV show is the ticker along the bottom of Channel 22. Last week I watched it for six hours straight. It’s mesmerizing…

Jane from Leominster, MA writes, “I read with interest your column about gas prices on Nantucket. Why do you think they are so high?”

Jane, some people might say that it’s simply a matter of avarice. But that’s not entirely true. Actually the real reason the gas prices are set so high can be summed up in one word: fumes. After decades upon decades of inhaling the damaging airborne hydrocarbons that are common in the service station industry, I doubt seriously that the people who run the island gas stations even know what price they are setting any longer. It’s pretty much a random process. If you think about it, we should consider ourselves lucky that we are not paying $323.87 a gallon. Or that the pumps dispense gasoline at all and not sea water, canola oil or lemonade.

Jimmy from Surfside writes, “Grant, I have to know, who does your hair.”

No one does, Jimmy, and that’s the problem. My hair does whatever it wants. It grows this way and that. It eats junk food. It takes the car without asking. Some nights I have to stay up late waiting for it to come home and when it does we have a long fight, but it never listens. Don’t get me started.

“I liked your scallop stew recipe (April 6). How do you feel the scallop season will be next year?” writes Sam from Madaket.

Sam, I’m no town biologist, but I can tell you this: Most people I’ve talked to, including a few folks who have been known to throw a dredge in the water from time to time, say that next fall will be rather nubby. This is a good thing because nub scallops are sweeter and have fewer calories than regular scallops. They’re also higher in B vitamins. And they have been known to cure rheumatoid arthritis. The more important question with regards to chowder would be, what does next year’s potato crop look like? Amazingly, the potato farmers I’ve spoken to also feel their crop next season will be rather nubby. I understand the people at the Maria Mitchell Association are studying the matter to see if there is some kind of correlation between potatoes and bay scallops. Preliminary results are promising.

Chaz from the Mid-Island area asks, “The tourists will soon be here. Are you afraid?”

No, Chaz. I’m not afraid. I’m invigorated. In fact, I plan on going down to the docks and out to the airports to greet each and every one of them personally with a great big bear hug. But of course, I can’t do it alone. So I’ve applied for a Community Preservation Committee grant to hire and train hundreds of college students to hug tourists as they disembark from boats and planes. This will either result in changing the perception of Nantucket to the “super happy and friendly island,” or it will result in fewer tourists over time. I might also pick up a couple of nice wallets in the process.

YACK on.

Grant Sanders is the host of YACK, the Nantucket online community at www.yackon.com and you can write to him c/o of this newspaper. Please, no weirdo s.